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After thirty years, I am finally beginning to appreciate the mother you have been to me. Although Jana is only ten months old, I feel I have learned more about you in the short time since her birth than in all my years of growing up and breaking away.
三十年之後,我才終於感受到一直以來您是怎樣的一位母親.儘管嘉娜只有十個月大,但是我覺得,比起我幾十年的慢慢成長,直到離開您的日子,她出生之後的這段短暫的時光讓我對您有了更多的瞭解.
As I go about my new life of caring for Jana, I constantly wonder, how on earth did you do it? You, who raised not one, not two, but six children. I'm still feeling shock waves from the change and upheaval one child has made in my life, and I know that what I have experienced so far is only a glimpse, the barest hint, of all you went through raising us.
我開始了一種全新的生活-照顧嘉娜,然而我不斷地想：是什麼讓您做到了這一切?您養育的不是一個孩子,也並非兩個,而是六個.現在,我依然能夠感受到一個小孩給我的生活帶來的鉅變.我明白,與您為養育我們所付出的一切相比,我所經歷的這些事情無非是冰山一角,根本不值得一提.
"You learn to sacrifice when you have children." was one of your stock phrases when I was growing up. To you, sacrifice was a necessary virtue, an accepted part of parenthood. But I didn't go for that. I considered sacrifice not only unnecessary, but unfashionable and downright unappealing as well.
"當你有了自己的孩子,你就能學會犧牲."在我成長的歲月中,這是您經常掛在嘴邊的一句話.在您的眼裡,犧牲是必須具備的一種美德,是為人父母必須接受的一部分.而那時的我並不這樣認為.我覺得犧牲不僅沒有必要,而且是一件並不時髦的事情,更無吸引力可言.
Well, Mom, what can I say? I'm learning.
唉,母親,如今我又能說些什麼呢?我正在逐步地學習這一切.
Lately, I've begun to look on motherhood as an initiation into "real life". I don't think I realized until Jana's birth that the life I'd led previously - relatively free, easy, and affluent - is not the life led by most people - past or present.
最近一段時間,我開始把為母之道看成是邁入"真實生活"的第一步.我覺得,直到嘉娜出生的那一刻,我才認識到之前我所過的那種生活-相對而言輕鬆自由、舒適安逸,並且衣食無憂-並非大部分人所過的生活-不管是過去還是現在.
By becoming a mother, I seem to have acquired automatic membership into a universal club made up of uncertainties and vulnerabilities, limitations and difficulties, and sometimes, unsolvable problems. Of course, the club has its benefits, too.
如今,我也成了一位母親,就像其他所有母親一樣,有了諸多限制、困難以及不確定性,並且很容易受到傷害,有時候,還會遇到一些無法解決的難題.當然,其中也有無限樂趣.
When Jana wakes from her afternoon nap and, so happy to see me, gives me her radiant full-face smile, I smile back and feel on my own face the smile you used to give me when I woke up in the morning. Or, when Jana does something particularly cute, I'll glance up at Gary, and in the look we exchange I see the one I remember crossing between you and dad at opposite ends of the dinner table. It was a look full of feelings I never knew until now.
每當嘉娜從午後小憩中醒來,她都會很高興地看著我,對著我露出燦爛的笑容.而我也會微笑著看著她,此時此刻我能感受到的是,自己臉上的笑容正是您臉上所展現出來的微笑,那正是以往我早晨醒來時,經常在您的臉上看到的.每當嘉娜做了一些特別可愛的動作時,我都會抬頭去看加利,從我們之間相互交換的眼神中我看到坐在餐桌兩端的您和父親四目相對時的樣子.直到今天,我才體會到這其中所蘊含的深情.
When I hold Jana close to me and look down to see my hand tight across her chest. Or when I tuck a blanket around her while she sleeps and touch the skin of her cheek. I see your hands (those hardworking hands with their smooth oval nails, steady and capable and caring) doing the same things. Then I feel as if some of the love and security you gave to me through those hands is now in mine, as I pass that love on to Jana.
當我緊緊地抱著嘉娜,低下頭去看我緊緊抱在她胸前的手,或者是當她熟睡時,我為她輕輕掖好毯子,觸摸她的臉龐時,我都會看到您的雙手（那雙有著橢圓形光滑指甲的手,那雙辛勤持家、從容不迫而又能幹體貼的手）也在做著同樣的事情.於是我就會感到,彷彿此時自己的手中就握著您傳遞給我的母愛和安全感.而如今,我又把它給了嘉娜.
The other day Jana fell asleep against my arm. I must have spent fifteen or twenty minutes staring at her, marveling at the wheat color of her hair, the suppleness of her skin, her perfect tiny red mouth, moving now and then in sleep. What a rush I felt, of love and wonder, of care and luck, and more. I suddenly remembered something I saw on your face last summer, when I was home on a visit shortly after Jana's birth.
幾天以前,嘉娜在我的臂彎裡沉沉地睡著.我必定花了足足十五到二十分鐘的時間來欣賞她.我為她那麥色的秀髮、柔滑的肌膚以及那睡夢中動來動去的小紅嘴唇而驚奇.一種激動之情從我的全身掠過,愛、讚歎、關心、幸運以及更多的複雜情感交織在一起,我覺得心潮澎湃.我猛然記起去年夏天,我在您的臉上所看到的某種神情,那個時候,嘉娜剛出生不久,我回家去探望你們.
We were sitting on the glider swing in the backyard. It was a lovely morning, cool there in the shade, and the air was full of fragrance from your rose garden. I was holding Jana, who seemed to enjoy the gentle movement of the swing.
我們坐在後院的鞦韆上.那是一個非常可愛的早晨,樹蔭下涼爽宜人,空氣中還瀰漫著陣陣幽香,那是從您的玫瑰花園裡飄過來的.我抱著嘉娜,鞦韆緩緩的搖擺似乎讓她感覺十分愜意.
But I wasn't enjoying anything just then. I'd had a rough night. Jana was six weeks old and had been up every few hours. I, fretful and nervous as only a new mother can be, had been having trouble falling back to sleep between her feedings. I was cranky and tired, and not feeling cheerful about this motherhood business at all.
但是,那時的我沒有一點兒興致.前一天晚上,我簡直累壞了.嘉娜只有六個星期大,而且每隔幾個小時都要哭鬧一次.而我,就像初為人母的人一樣,既煩躁又緊張,在給她餵奶的間歇裡,我很難再次入睡.我變得狂躁不安,身心疲憊,對為人之母提不起半點兒興致.
Sitting on the glider, we talked - or rather, I talked, letting loose my load of anxiety and frustrations on you. And out of the blue, you reached over to touch my hair.
就那樣,我們坐在鞦韆上交談著-換句話說,是我在說.我把我所感到的焦慮和失望統統向您傾訴.然而突然之間,您伸手摸了摸我的頭髮.
"It's so pretty." you said, an odd expression on your face. "The way the sun is hitting it just now...I never noticed you had so many red highlights before."
"簡直美極了."您說著,臉上還浮現出一絲奇怪的表情."太陽就這樣照過去……我從未注意到你有這麼多紅得發亮的頭髮."
A little embarrassed, preoccupied with other thoughts and problems, I shrugged off your comment. I don't know what I said, something short and dismissive, no doubt, as I waved away the compliment. But your words affected me. It had been a long time since someone had seen something truly beautiful in me, and I was pleased.
當時,我有一點兒窘迫,腦子裡仍然想著其他煩心事,因此,我只是聳聳肩,對您的讚美不以為然.我不記得當時自己說了些什麼,不過一定都是一些簡短的、不以為然的回答.我揮了揮手,就這樣回絕了您的讚美.事實上,您的這番話打動了我.長久以來,再沒有人能注意到我身上的那種真正的美麗之處了,我開心極了.
It has taken me this long to realize that the look you gave me that day is the same look I give her almost daily. And it makes me wonder: Is it possible that you still see the miracle in me that I see in Jana? Does the magic continue even when your children are grown and gone and parents themselves? Will I look at Jana in thirty years and still feel the same rush of love for her that I do now?
時至今日,我才明白原來那天您看我的眼神就是如今我幾乎天天看嘉娜的眼神.這令我浮想聯翩：在我的身上,您還能看到奇蹟嗎,如同我在嘉娜身上看到的?而這種魔力在孩子們長大成人,離開家庭併為人父母之後是否還會存在?再過三十年,我看嘉娜時,還會有今日這般似潮湧動的愛意嗎?
It almost hurts to think of that kind of love. It's too vulnerable, too fragile. I know well the barriers that spring up between parents and their children over the years, the frictions, the misunderstandings, the daily conflicts and struggles, the inevitable pulling away and final break for independence. I ache to think that someday Jana will grow up and wave away my tentative words of love as I did yours.
每當想到這份愛,總會讓人心痛.這份感情太容易受到傷害,也太脆弱.我深深地懂得,日復一日父母與孩子們之間所出現的各種代溝、摩擦、誤解、每天都會發生的衝突和鬥爭,以及不可避免地脫離家庭並最終獨立的過程.終有一天,小嘉娜也會長大.她也會如我一般,對來自母親的試探性的愛的表白視而不見.每當想到這裡,我都會傷心不已.
What happens to that first strong rush of love? Is it lost somewhere along the way, buried beneath the routine practicalities of caring for a growing child? Or is it there all along unvoiced and unexpressed, until, perhaps, a new child is born and a mother reaches out to touch her daughter's hair?
最初的、強烈的愛的衝動究竟怎麼了呢?是把它丟在一路走來的某個地方了,還是埋藏在了養育孩子不斷成長的日常生活中了?或許它就在那裡,一直埋藏在心裡,沒有被表白直至一個新生兒的誕生,直至一個母親伸手去觸摸自己女兒的頭髮?
That, it seems to me, is the real miracle: the way a mother's love is rediscovered, repeated, passed on again and again - as it has been handed down in our lives from you to me, from me to Jana, and from Jana, perhaps, to her own children. It is a gift in itself.
在我看來,這就是一個真正的奇蹟：通過這種方式,母愛再一次被發現、重複,並一代接一代地傳承下去-就像在我們的生活中,它從您的手中遞到我的手中,又從我這裡傳給了嘉娜.或許還會從嘉娜那裡傳給她的子孫們.它本身就是一種饋贈.
I guess what I've been meaning to say all along is, thanks, Mom.
我覺得,長久以來,我想對您說的就是：謝謝您,母親.
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