格魯吉亞公共廣播節目主持人:Celeste Headlee
首先,我想讓大家舉手示意一下,有多少人曾經在 Facebook 上拉黑過好友,因為他們發表過關於政治,宗教,兒童權益,或者食物等不恰當的言論,有多少人至少有一個不想見的人,因為你就是不想和對方說話?
All right, I want to see a show of hands how many of you have unfriended someone on Facebook because they said something offensive about politics or religion, childcare, food? And how many of you know at least one person that you avoid because you just don’t want to talk to them?
要知道,在過去想要一段禮貌的交談我們只要遵循亨利·希金斯在《窈窕淑女》中的忠告,只談論天氣和你的健康狀況就行了。但這些年隨著氣候變化以及反對疫苗運動的開展——這招不怎麼管用了。
因此,在我們生活的這個世界,這個每一次交談都有可能發展為爭論的世界,政客無法彼此交談。甚至為那些雞毛蒜皮的事情,都有人群情緒激昂地贊成或者反對,這太不正常了。
皮尤研究中心對一萬名美國成年人做了一次調查,發現此刻我們的偏激程度,我們立場鮮明的程度,比歷史上任何時期都要高。
You know, it used to be that in order to have a polite conversation, we just had to follow the advice of Henry Higgins in “My Fair Lady”: Stick to the weather and your health. But these days, with climate change and anti-vaxxing, those subjects—are not safe either.
So this world that we live in, this world in which every conversation has the potential to devolve into an argument, where our politicians can’t speak to one another, and where even the most trivial of issues have someone fighting both passionately for it and against it, it’s not normal.
Pew Research did a study of 10,000 American adults, and they found that at this moment, we are more polarized; we are more divided than we ever have been in history.
我們更不傾向於妥協,這意味著我們沒有傾聽彼此。我們做的各種決定,選擇生活在何處,與誰結婚甚至和誰交朋友,都只基於我們已有的信念。再重複一遍,這隻說明我們沒有傾訴彼此。
交談需要平靜講述和傾聽,而不知怎麼的,我們卻偏偏失去了這種平衡。技術進步是部分原因,比如智能手機,現在就在你們手裡,或者就在旁邊,隨手就能拿到。
We are less likely to compromise, which means we’re not listening to each other. And we make decisions about where to live, who to marry and even who our friends are going to be based on what we already believe. Again, that means we’re not listening to each other.
A conversation requires a balance between talking and listing, and somewhere along the way, we lost that balance. Now, part of that is due to technology. The smartphones that you all either have in your hands or close enough that you could grab them really quickly.
根據皮尤的研究,大約三分之一的美國青少年每天發送超過一百條短信。而這中間很多人,幾乎是所有人,更傾向於給朋友發短信,而不是面對面的交談。
《大西洋》雜誌等過一篇很棒的文章,作者是高中教室保羅·巴恩維爾。他給自己的學生一項交流任務,希望教會他們如何不借助筆記針對某一話題發表演講。然後他說:“我開始意識到…我開始意識到交流能力,可能是最被我們忽視的,沒有好好教授的技能。孩子每天花費數小時通過屏幕接觸創意和其他夥伴,但很少有機會去發覺自己的人際交往技能。 ”
這聽起來很好笑,但我們必須問問自己:“21世紀,有什麼技能會比維持一段連貫、自信的談話更為重要?”
According to the Pew Research, About a third of American teenagers send more than a hundred texts a day. And many of them, almost most of them, are more likely to text their friends than they are to talk to them face to face.
There’s this great piece in The Atlantic. It was written by a high school teacher named Paul Barnwell. And he gave his kids a communication project. He wanted to teach them how to speak on a specific subject without using notes. And he said this:” I came to realize…”“I came to realize that conversational competence might be the single most overlooked skill we fail to teach. Kids spend hours each day engaging with ideas and each other through screens, but rarely do they have an opportunity to hone their interpersonal communications skills.
It might sound like a funny question, but we have to ask ourselves. Is there any 21st-century skill more important than being able to sustain coherent, confident conversation?”
現在,我的職業就是跟別人談話。諾貝爾獎獲得者、卡車司機、億萬富翁、幼兒園老師、州長、水管工。我和我喜歡的人交談,也和我不喜歡的人交談。我和在個人層面非常不同的人交談。但我仍舊和他們有很好的交流。所以,我希望接下來的 10 分鐘教你們如何談話,以及如何傾聽。
你們中間很多人以及聽過無數建議,比如看著對方的眼睛,提前想好可以討論的有趣話題,注視,點頭並且微笑來表明你的專注,重複你剛才聽到的,或者做總結。
我想讓你們忘掉所有這些,全部沒用。根本沒有必要去學習如何表現你的很專心,如果你確實很專心。我其實是把作為職業訪談者一模一樣的技巧,用在了日常生活中。
Now, I make my living talking to people: Nobel Prize winners, truck drivers, billionaires, kindergarten teachers, heads of state, plumbers. I talk to people that I like. I talk to people that I don’t like. I talk to some people that I disagree with deeply on a personal level. But I still have a great conversation with them. So I’d like to spend the next 10 minutes or so teaching you how to talk and how to listen.
Many of you have already heard a lot of advice on this, things like look the person in the eye, things of interesting topics to discuss in advance, look, nod and smile to show that you’re paying attention, repeat back what you just heard or summarize it.
So I want you to forget all of that. It is crap. There is no reason to learn how to show you’re paying attention, if you are in fact paying attention. Now, I actually use the exact same skills as a professional interviewer that I do in regular life.
好,我要來教你們如何採訪他人,這其實會幫助你們學習如何成為更好的溝通者。
學習開始一段交談,不浪費時間,不感到無聊,以及最重要的是,不冒犯任何人。我們都曾有過很棒的交談。我們曾有過,我們知道那是什麼感覺,那種結束之後令你感到很享受,很受鼓舞的交談,或者令你覺得你和別人建立了真實的連接,或者讓你完全得到了他人的理解。沒有理由說,你大部分人際互動不能成為那樣,我有 10 條基本規則,我會一條條給你們解釋,但說真的,如果你選擇一條並且熟練掌握,你就已經可以享受更愉快的交談了。
So, I’m going to teach you how to interview people, and that’s actually going to help you learn how to be better conversationalists.
Learn to have a conversation without wasting your time, without getting bored, and, please God, without offending anybody. We’ve all had really great conversations. We’ve had them before. We know what it’s like. The kind of conversation where you walk away feeling engaged and inspired, or where you feel like you’ve made a real connection or you’ve been perfectly understood. There is no reason why most of your interactions can’t be like that. So I have 10 basic rules. I’m going to walk you through all of them, but honestly, if you just choose one of them and master it, you’ll already enjoy better conversations.
第一條:不要三心二意。
我不是說單純放下你的手機、平板電腦、車鑰匙,或者隨便什麼握在手裡的東西。我的意思是,處在當下。進入那個情境中去。不要想著你之前和老闆的爭吵。不要想著你晚飯吃什麼。如果你想退出交談,就退出交談,但不要身在曹營心在漢。
Number one: Don't multitask.
And I don't mean just set down your cell phone or your tablet or your car keys or whatever is in your hand. I mean, be present. Be in that moment. Don't think about your argument you had with your boss. Don't think about what you're going to have for dinner. If you want to get out of the conversation, get out of the conversation, but don't be half in it and half out of it.
第二條:不要好為人師。
如果你想要表達自己的看法,又不想留下任何機會讓人回應、爭論、反駁或闡發,寫博客去。有個很好的理由來說明我的談話裡為什麼不允許有“專家說教”:因為真的很無聊。如果對方是個保守派,那一定討厭奧巴馬、食品券和墮胎。如果對方是個自由派,那一定會討厭大銀行、石油公司和迪克·切尼。完全可以預測的。你肯定不希望那樣。
你需要在進入每一次交流時都假定自己可以學習到一些東西。著名的治療師M.斯科特·派克說過,真正的傾聽需要把自己放在一邊。有時候,這意味著把你的個人觀點放在一邊。他說感受到這種接納,說話的人會變得越來越不脆弱敏感,因而越來越有可能打開自己的內心世界, 呈現給傾聽者。
再強調一遍,假定你需要學習新東西。比爾·奈伊說:“每一個你將要見到的人都有你不知道的東西。”我來複述一下:每個人都是某方面的專家。
Number two: Don't pontificate.
If you want to state your opinion without any opportunity for response or argument or pushback or growth, write a blog. Now, there's a really good reason why I don't allow pundits on my show: Because they're really boring. If they're conservative, they're going to hate Obama and food stamps and abortion. If they’re liberal, they're going to hate big banks and oil corporations and Dick Cheney. Totally predictable. And you don't want to be like that.
You need to enter every conversation assuming that you have something to learn. The famed therapist M. Scott Peck said that true listening requires a setting aside of oneself. And sometimes that means setting aside your personal opinion. He said that sensing this acceptance, the speaker will become less and less vulnerable and more and more likely to open up the inner recesses of his or her mind to the listener.
Again, assume that you have something to learn. Bill Nye: 'Everyone you will ever meet knows something that you don't.' I put it this way: Everybody is an expert in something.
第三條:使用開放式問題。
關於這一點,請參考記者採訪的提問方式。以“誰”、“ 什麼”、“ 何時”、“ 何地”、“ 為什麼”或“如何”開始提問。
如果你詢問一個複雜的問題將會得到一個簡單的回答。如果我問你:“你當時恐懼嗎?”你會回應那句話中最有力的詞,即“恐懼”,而答案將是 “是的”或者“不是”。“你當時氣憤嗎?”“是的,我當時氣得很。”
讓對方去描述,對方才是瞭解情境的人。 試著這樣問對方:“那是什麼樣子?”,“你感覺怎麼樣?”因為這樣一來,對方可能需要停下來想一想,而你會得到更有意思的回答。
Number three: Use open-ended questions.
In this case, take a cue from journalists. Start your questions with who, what, when, where, why or how.
If you put in a complicated question, you’re going to get a simple answer out. If I ask you 'Were you terrified?' you're going to respond to the most powerful word in that sentence, which is 'terrified and the answer is 'Yes, I was' or 'No, I wasn’t.' 'Were you angry?' 'Yes, I was very angry.'
Let them describe it. They're the ones that know. Try asking them things like, 'What was that like?' 'How did that feel?' Because then they might have to stop for a moment and think about it, and you're going to get a much more interesting response.
第四條:順其自然。
也就是說,想法會自然流入你的頭腦,而你需要將它們表達出來。我們常聽到採訪中嘉賓說了幾分鐘,然後主持人回過來問問題,這問題好像不知道從何而來或者已經被回答過了。這說明主持人可能兩分鐘前就沒在聽,因為他想到了這個非常機智的問題,於是就心心念念想著問這個問題。我們同樣也會這麼幹。當我們和某人坐在一起交談時,我們突然想起那次和休·傑克曼在咖啡店的偶遇。
Number four: Go with the flow.
That means thoughts will come into your mind and you need to let them go out of your mind. We've heard interviews often in which a guest is talking for several minutes and then the host comes back in and asks a question which seems like it comes out of nowhere, or it's already been answered. That means the host probably stopped listening two minutes ago because he thought of this really clever question, and he was just bound and determined to say that. And we do the exact same thing. We're sitting there having a conversation with someone, and then we remember that time that we met Hugh Jack man in a coffee shop.
第五條:如果你不知道,就說你不知道。
廣播節目裡的人,尤其在全國公共廣播電臺(NPR)中,非常明白他們的談話會被播放出去。所以他們對自己聲稱專業的地方以及言之鑿鑿的東西會更加小心。要學著這樣做,謹言慎行,談話應該是負責任的行為。
Number five: If you don't know, say that you don't know.
Now, people on the radio, especially on NPR, are much more aware that they're going on the record, and so they're more careful about what they claim to be an expert in and what they claim to know for sure. Do that. Err on the side of caution. Talk should not be cheap.
第六條:不要把自己的經歷和他人比較。
如果對方談論失去了家人,不要就勢開始說你失去家人的事情。如果對方在說工作上的困擾,不要告訴他們你多麼討厭你的工作。這不一樣的,永遠不可能一樣。任何經歷都是獨一無二的。而且,更重要的是,這不是在談論你的事。你不需要在此刻證明你多麼能幹,或者你經受了多少痛苦。
有人曾問史蒂芬·霍金他的智商是多少,他回答道:“我不知道。拿智商吹牛的人都是屌絲。”
Number six: Don’t equate your experience with theirs.
If they're talking about having lost a family member, don't start talking about the time you lost a family member. If they're talking about the trouble they're having at work, don't tell them about how much you hate your job. It's not the same. It is never the same. All experiences are individual. And, more importantly, it is not about you. You don’t need to take that moment to prove how amazing you are or how much you’ve suffered.
Somebody asked Stephen Hawking once what his IQ was, and he said, 'I have no idea. People who brag about their IQs are losers.'
第七條:儘量別重複自己的話。
這很咄咄逼人,也很無聊。但我們很容易這樣做。尤其是在工作交談中,或者和孩子的交談中。我們想聲明一個觀點,於是換著方式不停地說,別這樣。
Number seven: Try not to repeat yourself.
It's condescending, and it's really boring, and we tend to do it a lot. Especially in work conversations or in conversations with our kids, we have a point to make, so we just keep rephrasing it over and over. Don't do that.
第八條:少說廢話。
說白了,沒人在乎那些年份、名字、日期等等這些你努力試圖在腦中回想的種種細節,別人不在乎,他們關注的是你,對方關心你是什麼樣的人,和你有什麼共同點。所以忘掉細節吧,別管它們。
Number eight: Stay out of the weeds. Frankly, people don't care about the years, the names, the dates, all those details that you're struggling to come up with in your mind. They don't care. What they care about is you. They care about what you're like, what you have in common. So forget the details. Leave them out.
第九條:這不是最後一條,但是最重要的一條。認真傾聽。
我說不上來到底有多少重要人士都說過傾聽可能是最重要的,第一重要的你可以提升的技能。 佛曰——我轉述一下,“如果你嘴不停,你就學不到東西。”卡爾文·柯立芝曾說:“從沒有人是因為聽太多而被開除的。”
Number nine: This is not the last one, but it is the most important one. Listen.
I cannot tell you how many really important people have said that listening is perhaps the most, the number one most important skill that you could develop. Buddha said, and I'm paraphrasing, 'If your mouth is open, you’re not learning.' And Calvin Coolidge said, 'No man ever listened his way out of a job.'
第十條:簡明扼要。
“好的交談就像恰到好處的迷你裙;足夠短,能夠吸引人,又足夠長,能夠包納(蓋住)主體——我妹妹的比喻”,所有這些都濃縮成同一個概念,那就是:對他人產生興趣。
我在一個名人外公身邊長大, 我家裡賓客絡繹不絕。訪客會前來和我的外祖父母交談,而那些人離開後,我母親會過來對我們說:“你們知道那是誰嗎?她是美國小姐的亞軍。他是薩克拉門託市長。她拿過普利策獎。他是俄羅斯芭蕾舞蹈家。”
我在成長中默認了每個人都有不為人知的精彩。說真的,我想是這一切讓我成為了更好的主持人。我儘量少說話,但開放自己的思想,永遠準備著大吃一驚,而我從不會感到失望。你們也可以這樣。走出門去,和別人交談,聽別人說,以及最重要的,準備好大吃一驚。
One more rule, number 10, and it's this one: Be brief.
[A good conversation is like a miniskirt; short enough to retain interest, but long enough to cover the subject. -- My Sister] All of this boils down to the same basic concept, and it is this one: Be interested in other people.
You know, I grew up with a very famous grandfather, and there was kind of a ritual in my home. People would come over to talk to my grandparents, and after they would leave, my mother would come over to us, and she'd say, 'Do you know who that was? She was the runner-up to Miss America. He was the mayor of Sacramento. She won a Pulitzer Prize. He's a Russian ballet dancer.'
And I kind of grew up assuming everyone has some hidden, amazing thing about them. And honestly, I think it's what makes me a better host. I keep my mouth shut as often as I possibly can, I keep my mind open, and I'm always prepared to be amazed, and I'm never disappointed. You do the same thing. Go out, talk to people, listen to people, and, most importantly, be prepared to be amazed.
以上就是今天分享的全部內容。不冒犯任何人,不三心二意,不好為人師,不要把自己的經歷和他人比較,認真傾聽,謹言慎行,但開放自己的思想,永遠準備著大吃一驚。希望 Celeste Headlee 幾十年工作總結出的 10 條交談心得能幫助大家在與人溝通上更遊刃有餘。
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