關鍵詞（Keyword）：TED演講，教育，育兒，清單式童年，自我效能
演講簡介：
作為家長你是否正在進行"直升機育兒"---過度幫助， 過度保護，過度指導和過度關懷？你的孩子是否正在經歷著“清單式童年”？為什麼幫助孩子建立"自我效能（self-efficacy）"如此重要？聽斯坦福大學（Stanford University）教務主任Julie Lythcott-Haims用詼諧的語言，分享教育的本質，幫助家長區分愛和溺愛，幫助孩子變得強大成為輝煌的自己！
TED演講：如何教育成人，擺脫溺愛陷阱引導孩子走向成功（中英字幕版）
演講者：Julie Lythcott-Haims | TED Talks Live
主 題：How to raise successful kids — without over-parenting
整 理：tedtalking作
雙語演講稿：
You know, I didn't set out to be a parenting expert. In fact, I'm not very interested in parenting, per Se. It's just that there's a certain style of parenting these days that is kind of messing up kids, impeding their chances to develop into theirselves. There's a certain style of parenting these days that's getting in the way.
我從沒想過做一個育兒專家， 事實上，我本身對育兒也沒什麼興趣。 只是因為當今有一種育兒方式， 會把孩子搞得一團糟， 阻礙他們個人特質的培養。 這種育兒方式， 正大行其道。
I guess what I'm saying is, we spend a lot of time being very concerned about parents who aren't involved enough in the lives of their kids and their education or their upbringing, and rightly so. But at the other end of the spectrum, there's a lot of harm going on there as well, where parents feel a kid can't be successful unless the parent is protecting and preventing at every turn and hovering over every happening, and micromanaging every moment, and steering their kid towards some small subset of colleges and careers.
我想說的是， 我們花了很多精力去擔心 父母沒有足夠參與到孩子的人生、 教育以及養育過程中， 這理所當然。 但如果走上另一個極端， 也會有很多壞處， 比如家長認為， 孩子自己不可能成功， 除非父母可以隨時保護和糾正， 關注孩子的每件小事， 掌控他們的每個細節， 引導他們進入名牌大學， 找到好工作。
When we raise kids this way, and I'll say we, because Lord knows, in raising my two teenagers, I've had these tendencies myself, our kids end up leading a kind of checklisted childhood.
當我們這樣養育孩子， 我用的是“我們”， 因為上帝知道， 在養育我的兩個十來歲孩子的時候， 我自己確實也有這種傾向， 讓我們的孩子過一種 清單式的童年。
And here's what the checklisted childhood looks like. We keep them safe and sound and fed and watered, and then we want to be sure they go to the right schools, that they're in the right classes at the right schools, and that they get the right grades in the right classes in the right schools. But not just the grades, the scores, and not just the grades and scores, but the accolades and the awards and the sports, the activities, the leadership. We tell our kids, don't just join a club, start a club, because colleges want to see that. And check the box for community service. I mean, show the colleges you care about others.
清單式的生活，就是： 我們確保他們安全、健康、 吃好、喝好， 然後期望他們進入好學校， 並且是好學校的好班級， 在好學校好班級中還要取得好成績。 並且不只是成績，還要拿高分， 不只要好成績和高分， 還要獲得榮譽和獎項， 要參加運動、活動、還要有領導力， 我們告訴孩子，不要只是參加社團， 還要創建社團， 因為大學喜歡這樣的學生。 還要參加社區服務， 我的意思是， 要讓大學看到你會關心他人。
(Laughter)
（笑聲）
And all of this is done to some hoped-for degree of perfection. We expect our kids to perform at a level of perfection we were never asked to perform at ourselves, and so because so much is required, we think, well then, of course we parents have to argue with every teacher and principal and coach and referee and act like our kid's concierge and personal handler and secretary.
這些都是期望中的完美， 我們期望我們的孩子能做到完美， 而我們自己卻從沒做到過， 因為有這麼多要求， 我們就想， 我們做父母的得和每個老師溝通， 和校長、教練、推薦人溝通， 搞的像是孩子的管家， 像私人管家， 像秘書。
And then with our kids, our precious kids, we spend so much time nudging, cajoling, hinting, helping, haggling, nagging as the case may be, to be sure they're not screwing up, not closing doors, not ruining their future, some hoped-for admission to a tiny handful of colleges that deny almost every applicant.
然後對孩子，我們寶貴的孩子， 我們要花心思來督促、 哄騙、暗示、幫忙、嘮叨、甚至討價還價， 確保他們不會在頂尖大學 申請這件事上搞砸， 或者故步自封， 或者毀了自己的未來， 即使那些大學 在招生時 幾乎是萬里挑一。
And here's what it feels like to be a kid in this checklisted childhood. First of all, there's no time for free play. There's no room in the afternoons, because everything has to be enriching, we think. It's as if every piece of homework, every quiz, every activity is a make-or-break moment for this future we have in mind for them, and we absolve them of helping out around the house, and we even absolve them of getting enough sleep as long as they're checking off the items on their checklist. And in the checklisted childhood, we say we just want them to be happy, but when they come home from school, what we ask about all too often first is their homework and their grades. And they see in our faces that our approval, that our love, that their very worth, comes from A's. And then we walk alongside them and offer clucking praise like a trainer at the Westminster Dog Show --
那麼在清單式童年中長大的孩子 是怎樣的呢。 首先，他們沒有自由玩耍的時間， 整個下午都沒有空閒， 因為我們覺得任何事都要充實起來。 就好像每一項作業、 每個測驗、每個活動， 都對於我們為他們 規劃好的未來成敗攸關。 我們不讓他們做家務， 甚至不讓他們有充足睡眠， 只需要他們把清單上的事情做好。 在清單式童年中， 我們口頭上希望他們開心， 但當他們放學回家， 我們通常第一時間詢問他們的 卻是作業和成績。 他們從我們臉上看到的， 我們的認可，我們的愛， 看到的他們的價值， 卻是來自成績單上的 A。 和他們走在一起的時候， 我們就像威斯敏斯特寵物展上的 訓狗員一樣表揚他們，
(Laughter)
（笑聲）
coaxing them to just jump a little higher and soar a little farther, day after day after day. And when they get to high school, they don't say, "Well, what might I be interested in studying or doing as an activity?" They go to counselors and they say, "What do I need to do to get into the right college?" And then, when the grades start to roll in in high school, and they're getting some B's, or God forbid some C's, they frantically text their friends and say, "Has anyone ever gotten into the right college with these grades?"
哄他們跳得再高一點，再遠一點， 日復一日。 等上了高中， 他們不會問，“我該對哪些課程， 哪些活動感興趣呢？” 他們只會去問輔導員， “我要怎麼做才能進入好大學？” 然後，當他們拿到成績單， 如果拿了幾個 B， 甚至是可怕的 C， 他們會狂躁的給朋友發短信， “有誰考這個分數進了好大學嗎？”
And our kids, regardless of where they end up at the end of high school, they're breathless. They're brittle. They're a little burned out. They're a little old before their time, wishing the grown-ups in their lives had said, "What you've done is enough, this effort you've put forth in childhood is enough." And they're withering now under high rates of anxiety and depression and some of them are wondering, will this life ever turn out to have been worth it?
我們的孩子， 無論高中畢業時結果怎樣， 都被壓得喘不過氣， 心理脆弱， 精疲力竭。 他們比實際年齡更老成， 盼望著大人告訴他們， “你已經做得夠多了， 小時候這麼努力已經足夠了。” 他們現在卻在高分的焦慮 和沮喪中慢慢枯萎， 有的孩子會想， 這樣的人生最後究竟有沒有意義？
Well, we parents, we parents are pretty sure it's all worth it. We seem to behave -- it's like we literally think they will have no future if they don't get into one of these tiny set of colleges or careers we have in mind for them.
我們做父母的， 當然認為這都有意義。 我們所表現出來的， 就像如果他們進不去我們期望的 這幾所好大學，或者找不到好工作， 他們就沒有未來。
Or maybe, maybe, we're just afraid they won't have a future we can brag about to our friends and with stickers on the backs of our cars. Yeah.
或者，只是我們認為 可以在朋友面前炫耀， 或者只是貼在車屁股上的未來。 就是這樣。
(Applause)
（掌聲）
But if you look at what we've done, if you have the courage to really look at it, you'll see that not only do our kids think their worth comes from grades and scores, but that when we live right up inside their precious developing minds all the time, like our very own version of the movie "Being John Malkovich," we send our children the message: "Hey kid, I don't think you can actually achieve any of this without me." And so with our overhelp, our overprotection and overdirection and hand-holding, we deprive our kids of the chance to build self-efficacy, which is a really fundamental tenet of the human psyche, far more important than that self-esteem they get every time we applaud. Self-efficacy is built when one sees that one's own actions lead to outcomes, not -- There you go.
但如果你看看這件事的後果， 如果你有勇氣看的話， 你會發現這不只讓孩子認為 他們的價值來自於成績和分數， 更是在他們正在成長的意識裡， 就像我們自己的電影《傀儡人生》一樣， 我們給孩子傳遞了一個信號： “嘿，孩子，沒有我你什麼都幹不成。” 隨著我們的過度幫助， 過度保護，過度指導和過度關懷， 我們剝奪了孩子 建立自我效能的機會， 自我效能是人類心智的重要準則， 遠比通過父母讚美建立起的自尊 更重要。 自我效能是當一個人看到自己的行動 能產生成果而建立起來的， 而不是… 你們先吧。
(Applause)
（掌聲）
Not one's parents' actions on one's behalf, but when one's own actions lead to outcomes. So simply put, if our children are to develop self-efficacy, and they must, then they have to do a whole lot more of the thinking, planning, deciding, doing, hoping, coping, trial and error, dreaming and experiencing of life for themselves.
而不是父母代表他們做出的行動， 是他們自己的行動能產生結果。 簡而言之， 如果我們的孩子要建立， 他們也必須建立自我效能， 就需要更多的為他們自己的人生 做更多思考、規劃、決定、 行動、期望、應對、試驗、犯錯、 夢想以及體驗。
Now, am I saying every kid is hard-working and motivated and doesn't need a parent's involvement or interest in their lives, and we should just back off and let go? Hell no.
我現在是不是在說， 每個孩子都很努力，都很積極， 都不需要對他們的人生有干涉和關心， 我們應該退後，任其發展呢？ 當然不是。
(Laughter)
（笑聲）
That is not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is, when we treat grades and scores and accolades and awards as the purpose of childhood, all in furtherance of some hoped-for admission to a tiny number of colleges or entrance to a small number of careers, that that's too narrow a definition of success for our kids. And even though we might help them achieve some short-term wins by overhelping -- like they get a better grade if we help them do their homework, they might end up with a longer childhood résumé when we help -- what I'm saying is that all of this comes at a long-term cost to their sense of self. What I'm saying is, we should be less concerned with the specific set of colleges they might be able to apply to or might get into and far more concerned that they have the habits, the mindset, the skill set, the wellness, to be successful wherever they go. What I'm saying is, our kids need us to be a little less obsessed with grades and scores and a whole lot more interested in childhood providing a foundation for their success built on things like love and chores.
這不是我想說的。 我想說的是，當我們把成績、 分數、榮譽和獎勵 看做他們童年的奮鬥目標， 當我們代孩子 去追求進入理想中的大學， 找到理想的工作， 這種對於成功的定義太過狹隘。 即使我們可以通過 這種過度幫助來讓他們 獲得一些短期的成功—— 比如幫他們做作業而拿到的好成績， 在我們的幫助下，他們可能 會有一個更好看的童年簡歷， 我要說的是，這些會讓他們 在自我認知上付出長期的代價。 我要說的是， 我們應該更少關注 具體哪些名牌大學 他們應該申請或進入， 而更多關注他們的 習慣、心態、技能、身心健康， 有了這些， 他們才能在哪兒都成功。 我要說的是， 孩子需要我們 少一點痴迷於成績和分數， 而將重點放在打造 一個能幫助他們為 成功奠基的童年上， 比如，愛， 比如，做家務。
(Laughter)
（笑聲）
(Applause)
（掌聲）
Did I just say chores? Did I just say chores? I really did. But really, here's why. The longest longitudinal study of humans ever conducted is called the Harvard Grant Study. It found that professional success in life, which is what we want for our kids, that professional success in life comes from having done chores as a kid, and the earlier you started, the better, that a roll-up-your-sleeves- and-pitch-in mindset, a mindset that says, there's some unpleasant work, someone's got to do it, it might as well be me, a mindset that says, I will contribute my effort to the betterment of the whole, that that's what gets you ahead in the workplace. Now, we all know this. You know this.
我剛才是說做家務麼？ 確實是的。 說真的，這是有理由的。 史上歷時最長的人類研究 被稱作哈弗格蘭特研究。 這項研究發現，專業上的成功， 也就是我們期望孩子達到的， 取決於小時候做的雜活， 越早開始越好， 這種挽起袖子開乾的心態， 這種心態代表著： 可能有些不想做的工作， 總要有人去完成它， 這個人也可能就是我， 這種心態代表著： 我會盡力去改善整件事情， 這就是讓你 在工作中獲得先機的東西。 我們都清楚這個道理，你們也都清楚。
(Applause)
（掌聲）
We all know this, and yet, in the checklisted childhood, we absolve our kids of doing the work of chores around the house, and then they end up as young adults in the workplace still waiting for a checklist, but it doesn't exist, and more importantly, lacking the impulse, the instinct to roll up their sleeves and pitch in and look around and wonder, how can I be useful to my colleagues? How can I anticipate a few steps ahead to what my boss might need?
我們都已經清楚， 在清單式童年中， 我們不讓孩子做家裡的雜活， 當他們長大進入職場， 還在等待一個清單， 但這個清單並不存在， 更重要的是，他們缺乏動力和意識， 不能挽起袖子去開幹， 不能望向四周，並心想， 我怎樣才能幫上同事們的忙？ 沒有能力去思考我怎樣才能 提前一步預見到老闆的要求？
A second very important finding from the Harvard Grant Study said that happiness in life comes from love, not love of work, love of humans: our spouse, our partner, our friends, our family. So childhood needs to teach our kids how to love, and they can't love others if they don't first love themselves, and they won't love themselves if we can't offer them unconditional love.
哈弗格蘭特研究的另一個重要發現， 人生的幸福， 來自於愛， 不是對工作的愛， 是對人的愛： 我們的配偶，我們的夥伴， 我們的朋友，我們的家庭。 所以我們要教孩子如何去愛， 要愛別人，他們要先學會愛自己， 想要他們愛自己， 我們就要給予他們無條件的愛。
(Applause)
（掌聲）
Right. And so, instead of being obsessed with grades and scores when our precious offspring come home from school, or we come home from work, we need to close our technology, put away our phones, and look them in the eye and let them see the joy that fills our faces when we see our child for the first time in a few hours. And then we have to say, "How was your day? What did you like about today?" And when your teenage daughter says, "Lunch," like mine did, and I want to hear about the math test, not lunch, you have to still take an interest in lunch. You gotta say, "What was great about lunch today?" They need to know they matter to us as humans, not because of their GPA.
是的。 所以， 放下對成績和分數的痴迷， 當我們親愛的孩子放學回家， 或者我們下班回家， 我們要關掉電子設備， 把手機放到一邊， 看著他們的眼睛， 讓他們看到我們臉上洋溢的喜悅， 就像第一次看到我們初生的孩子。 然後我們應該說， “你今天過得怎樣？ 今天有什麼高興的事嗎？” 然後你的女兒會說，“午飯”， 就像我女兒一樣， 但我想聽到的是數學考試， 不是午飯， 但你還是得表現出對午飯的興趣， 你應該說， “今天的午飯哪裡比較棒？” 他們需要知道， 他們本身對我們很重要， 而不是他們的學習成績。
All right, so you're thinking, chores and love, that sounds all well and good, but give me a break. The colleges want to see top scores and grades and accolades and awards, and I'm going to tell you, sort of. The very biggest brand-name schools are asking that of our young adults, but here's the good news. Contrary to what the college rankings racket would have us believe --
好，你可能會想，家務和愛， 這聽起來很好，但是得了吧。 大學看的是好成績、榮譽和獎項， 我會告訴你們，是有那麼點。 那些最有名的學校需要這些， 但有個好消息。 與大學排行榜傳達的信息相反，
(Applause)
（掌聲）
you don't have to go to one of the biggest brand name schools to be happy and successful in life. Happy and successful people went to state school, went to a small college no one has heard of, went to community college, went to a college over here and flunked out.
你不需要為了人生的幸福和成功， 而一定要去那些最有名的學校。 幸福和成功的人們 也會來自於公立學校， 來自於沒人聽過的學院， 來自於社區大學， 來自於附近的學校甚至被退學。
(Applause)
（掌聲）
The evidence is in this room, is in our communities, that this is the truth. And if we could widen our blinders and be willing to look at a few more colleges, maybe remove our own egos from the equation, we could accept and embrace this truth and then realize, it is hardly the end of the world if our kids don't go to one of those big brand-name schools. And more importantly, if their childhood has not been lived according to a tyrannical checklist then when they get to college, whichever one it is, well, they'll have gone there on their own volition, fueled by their own desire, capable and ready to thrive there.
證據就來自這個房間， 來自我們的社區， 這就是事實。 如果我們眼光放開一些， 願意看一些別的大學， 拋開我們的偏見， 我們會接受並擁抱這個事實， 並且意識到 我們的孩子考不上頂尖大學 並不是什麼世界末日。 更重要的是， 如果孩子不在 嚴格的清單約束下長大， 等他們進入大學， 不管什麼大學， 都是他們自主決定的， 是他們自身渴望的， 想要在那裡有一番作為。
I have to admit something to you. I've got two kids I mentioned, Sawyer and Avery. They're teenagers. And once upon a time, I think I was treating my Sawyer and Avery like little bonsai trees --
我得向你們坦白一些事。 我剛才提到我的兩個孩子， Sawyer 和 Avery， 他們都十來歲。 有一次， 我覺得我對待我的 Sawyer 和 Avery， 就像對待盆栽一樣——
(Laughter)
（笑聲）
that I was going to carefully clip and prune and shape into some perfect form of a human that might just be perfect enough to warrant them admission to one of the most highly selective colleges. But I've come to realize, after working with thousands of other people's kids --
我想要小心的把他們修修剪剪， 塑造成完美的人， 完美到可以把他們送進 最受歡迎的大學。 但是，我在工作中接觸了幾千個 別人家的孩子，我才意識到——
(Laughter)
（笑聲）
and raising two kids of my own, my kids aren't bonsai trees. They're wildflowers of an unknown genus and species --
我意識到我的兩個孩子， 他們不是盆栽， 他們是野花， 未知品種的野花——
(Laughter)
（笑聲）
and it's my job to provide a nourishing environment, to strengthen them through chores and to love them so they can love others and receive love and the college, the major, the career, that's up to them. My job is not to make them become what I would have them become, but to support them in becoming their gloriousselves.
我的工作是提供成長的環境， 通過家務和愛，讓他們變得強大， 愛他們，他們才會愛別人，接受愛。 上大學、選專業、找工作， 都由他們自己。 我的工作不是把他們 變成我想要的樣子， 而是支持他們做輝煌的自己。
Thank you.
謝謝。
(Applause)
（掌聲）
傳播有價值的思想和觀點！
我相信這些新觀點和有價值思想將讓我們的人生大不同！
從中英文字幕到無字幕，重複視聽，享受演講內容！
不用過於刻意，思維方式將會改變，生活將會改變，英文水平也會隨之提高！
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