How to ask for help-and get a "yes"原文及翻译

2019/07/02-How to ask for help-and get a "yes"

Details

Asking for help is tough. But to get through life, you have to do it all the time. So how do you get comfortable asking? In this actionable talk, social psychologist Heidi Grant shares four simple rules for asking for help and getting it -- while making the process more rewarding for your helper, too.

Transcript

00:13

So, asking for help is basically the worst, right? I've actually never seen it on one of those top ten lists of things people fear, like public speaking and death, but I'm pretty sure it actually belongs there. Even though in many ways it's foolish for us to be afraid to admit we need help, whether it's from a loved one or a friend or from a coworker or even from a stranger, somehow it always feel just a little bit uncomfortable and embarrassing to actually ask for help, which is, of course, why most of us try to avoid asking for help whenever humanly possible.

所以，寻求帮助基本上是最糟糕的，对吧？我实际上从未在人们担心的十大事件清单中看到它，比如公开演讲和死亡，但我很确定它实际上属于那里。即使在很多方面我们害怕承认我们需要帮助是愚蠢的，无论是来自亲人，朋友，同事还是陌生人，不知怎样，总觉得实际上有点不舒服和尴尬。寻求帮助，这当然是为什么我们大多数人都试图避免在人类可能的时候寻求帮助。

00:55

My father was one of those legions of fathers who, I swear, would rather drive through an alligator-infested swamp than actually ask someone for help getting back to the road. When I was a kid, we took a family vacation. We drove from our home in South Jersey to Colonial Williamsburg. And I remember we got really badly lost. My mother and I pleaded with him to please just pull over and ask someone for directions back to the highway, and he absolutely refused, and, in fact, assured us that we were not lost, he had just always wanted to know what was over here.

我发誓，我的父亲是其中一群父亲，他们宁愿穿过鳄鱼出没的沼泽地而不是实际上请求某人帮助回到路上。当我还是个孩子的时候，我们度过了一个家庭度假。我们开车从南泽西的家到威廉斯堡殖民地。而且我记得我们失去了很多。我和我的母亲请求他请你拉过来向别人询问返回高速公路的路线，他绝对拒绝了，事实上，他向我们保证我们没有迷路，他一直想知道结果是什么 这里。

01:32

(Laughter)

01:34

So if we're going to ask for help -- and we have to, we all do, practically every day -- the only way we're going to even begin to get comfortable with it is to get good at it, to actually increase the chances that when you ask for help from someone, they're actually going to say yes. And not only that, but they're going to find it actually satisfying and rewarding to help you, because that way, they'll be motivated to continue to help you into the future.

因此，如果我们要求帮助 - 而且我们必须，我们几乎每天都这样做 - 我们甚至开始习惯它的唯一方法就是擅长它，实际上 当你向别人寻求帮助时，他们实际上会说是的。不仅如此，他们会发现它实际上是令人满意和有益的，以帮助你，因为这样，他们将有动力继续帮助你走向未来。

02:02

So research that I and some of my colleagues have done has shed a lot of light on why it is that sometimes people say yes to our requests for help and why sometimes they say no. Now let me just start by saying right now: if you need help, you are going to have to ask for it. Out loud. OK? We all, to some extent, suffer from something that psychologists call "the illusion of transparency" -- basically, the mistaken belief that our thoughts and our feelings and our needs are really obvious to other people. This is not true, but we believe it. And so, we just mostly stand around waiting for someone to notice our needs and then spontaneously offer to help us with it. This is a really, really bad assumption. In fact, not only is it very difficult to tell what your needs are, but even the people close to you often struggle to understand how they can support you.

因此，我和我的一些同事所做的研究已经阐明了为什么有时人们对我们的求助请求说“是”以及为什么有时他们说“不”。现在让我先谈谈：如果你需要帮助，你将不得不要求它。响亮地。好？在某种程度上，我们都遭受心理学家称之为“透明幻觉”的东西 - 基本上，错误地认为我们的思想，感情和我们的需求对其他人来说是显而易见的。事实并非如此，但我们相信它。因此，我们大多站在那里等待某人注意到我们的需求，然后自发地提供帮助我们。这是一个非常非常糟糕的假设。事实上，不仅很难说出你的需求是什么，而且即使是与你亲近的人也常常难以理解他们如何支持你

02:57

My partner has actually had to adopt a habit of asking me multiple times a day, "Are you OK? Do you need anything?" because I am so, so bad at signaling when I need someone's help. Now, he is more patient than I deserve and much more proactive, much more, about helping than any of us have any right to expect other people to be. So if you need help, you're going to have to ask for it. And by the way, even when someone can tell that you need help, how do they know that you want it? Did you ever try to give unsolicited help to someone who, it turns out, did not actually want your help in the first place? They get nasty real quick, don't they?

我的伴侣实际上不得不养成每天多次问我的习惯，“你还好吗？你需要什么吗？” 因为我是如此，当我需要别人的帮助时，信号非常糟糕。现在，他比我应得的更有耐心，而且比我们任何人都有权期待其他人的帮助更加积极主动。所以，如果你需要帮助，你将不得不要求它。顺便说一下，即使有人能说你需要帮助，他们怎么知道你想要它？您是否尝试过向主动提供主动帮助的人，事实证明，他们实际上并不想要您的帮助？他们真的很快就会讨厌，不是吗？

03:38

The other day -- true story -- my teenage daughter was getting dressed for school, and I decided to give her some unsolicited help about that.

另一天 - 真实的故事 - 我的十几岁的女儿穿着上学，我决定给她一些不请自来的帮助。

03:46

(Laughter)

03:47

I happen to think she looks amazing in brighter colors. She tends to prefer sort of darker, more neutral tones. And so I said, very helpfully, that I thought maybe she could go back upstairs and try to find something a little less somber.

我碰巧认为她看起来更加鲜艳。她倾向于喜欢更暗，更中性的音调。所以我非常有帮助地说，我想也许她可以回到楼上，试着找一些不那么忧郁的东西。

04:02

(Laughter)

04:04

So, if looks could kill, I would not be standing here right now. We really can't blame other people for not just spontaneously offering to help us when we don't actually know that that's what is wanted. In fact, actually, research shows that 90 percent of the help that coworkers give one another in the workplace is in response to explicit requests for help. So you're going to have to say the words "I need your help." Right? There's no getting around it.

所以，如果看起来可以杀人，我现在不会站在这里。我们真的不能责怪别人，因为当我们实际上并不知道那就是想要的东西时，不仅仅是自发地提供帮助。事实上，实际上，研究表明，同事在工作场所互相帮助的90％是对明确的求助请求的回应。所以你不得不说“我需要你的帮助”。对？没有绕过它。

04:33

Now, to be good at it, to make sure that people actually do help you when you ask for it, there are a few other things that are very helpful to keep in mind.

现在，为了做到这一点，为了确保人们在你提出要求时确实帮助你，还有其他一些非常有用的事情要记住。

04:41

First thing: when you ask for help, be very, very specific about the help you want and why. Vague, sort of indirect requests for help actually aren't very helpful to the helper, right? We don't actually know what it is you want from us, and, just as important, we don't know whether or not we can be successful in giving you the help. Nobody wants to give bad help. Like me, you probably get some of these requests from perfectly pleasant strangers on LinkedIn who want to do things like "get together over coffee and connect" or "pick your brain."

第一件事：当你寻求帮助时，要非常非常具体地说明你想要的帮助以及原因。模糊的，间接的求助请求实际上对帮助者没有多大帮助，对吧？我们实际上并不知道你想从我们这里得到什么，同样重要的是，我们不知道我们是否能够成功地为你提供帮助。没有人愿意提供不好的帮助。像我一样，你可能会从LinkedIn上非常愉快的陌生人那里得到一些这样的要求，他们想做“聚在一起咖啡和连接”或“挑选你的大脑”之类的事情。

I ignore these requests literally every time. And it's not that I'm not a nice person. It's just that when I don't know what it is you want from me, like the kind of help you're hoping that can I provide, I'm not interested. Nobody is. I'd have been much more interested if they had just come out and said whatever it is was they were hoping to get from me, because I'm pretty sure they had something specific in mind. So go ahead and say, "I'm hoping to discuss opportunities to work in your company," or, "I'd like to propose a joint research project in an area I know you're interested in," or, "I'd like your advice on getting into medical school." Technically, I can't help you with that last one because I'm not that kind of doctor, but I could point you in the direction of someone who could.

我每次都忽略了这些要求。并不是说我不是一个好人。只是当我不知道你想要什么时，就像你希望我能提供的那种帮助一样，我不感兴趣。没有人。如果他们刚刚出来并说出他们希望从我这里得到的东西，我会更感兴趣，因为我很确定他们有一些具体的想法。所以请继续说，“我希望能够讨论在贵公司工作的机会，”或者，“我想在我知道你感兴趣的领域提出一个联合研究项目，”或者，“我 我喜欢你进入医学院的建议。“ 从技术上讲，我无法帮助你最后一个，因为我不是那种医生，但我可以指向一个可能的人的方向。

06:06

OK, second tip. This is really important: please avoid disclaimers, apologies and bribes. Really, really important. Do any of these sound familiar?

好的，第二个提示。这非常重要：请避免免责声明，道歉和贿赂。真的，非常重要。这些听起来很熟悉吗？

06:18

(Clears throat)

06:20

'I'm so, so sorry that I have to ask you for this." "I really hate bothering you with this." "If I had any way of doing this without your help, I would."

“我是这样，很抱歉，我不得不问你这个问题。”“我真的很讨厌打扰你。”“如果我没有你的帮助我有任何办法，我愿意。”

06:34

(Laughter)

06:35

Sometimes it feels like people are so eager to prove that they're not weak and greedy when they ask your for help, they're completely missing out on how uncomfortable they're making you feel. And by the way -- how am I supposed to find it satisfying to help you if you really hated having to ask me for help? And while it is perfectly, perfectly acceptable to pay strangers to do things for you, you need to be very, very careful when it comes to incentivizing your friends and coworkers.

有时感觉人们非常渴望证明他们在寻求帮助时并不软弱和贪婪，他们完全错过了让他们感到不舒服的感觉。顺便说一句 - 如果你真的讨厌向我寻求帮助，我怎么能找到满意的帮助你？虽然支付陌生人为你做事是完全可以接受的，但在激励你的朋友和同事时，你需要非常非常小心。

When you have a relationship with someone, helping one another is actually a natural part of that relationship. It's how we show one another that we care. If you introduce incentives or payments into that, what can happen is, it starts to feel like it isn't a relationship, it's a transaction. And that actually is experienced as distancing, which, ironically, makes people less likely to help you. So a spontaneous gift after someone gives you some help to show your appreciation and gratitude -- perfectly fine. An offer to pay your best friend to help you move into your new apartment is not.

当你与某人建立关系时，互相帮助实际上是这种关系的自然组成部分。这是我们如何相互展示我们关心的。如果你引入激励或支付，可能会发生什么，它开始觉得它不是一种关系，它是一种交易。而这实际上是经验丰富，具有讽刺意味的是，这使得人们不太可能帮助你。所以，在有人给你一些帮助以表达你的感激和感激之后，这是一种自发的礼物 - 完全没问题。支付给你最好的朋友以帮助你搬进新公寓的报价不是。

07:42

OK, third rule, and I really mean this one: please do not ask for help over email or text. Really, seriously, please don't. Email and text are impersonal. I realize sometimes there's no alternative, but mostly what happens is, we like to ask for help over email and text because it feels less awkward for us to do so. You know what else feels less awkward over email and text? Telling you no.

好的，第三条规则，我的意思是这个：请不要通过电子邮件或文本寻求帮助。真的，认真的，请不要。电子邮件和文字是非个人的。我意识到有时别无选择，但主要是发生的事情，我们喜欢通过电子邮件和短信寻求帮助，因为我们这样做感觉不那么尴尬。你知道在电子邮件和文本方面还有什么不那么尴尬吗？告诉你没有。

And it turns out, there's research to support this. In-person requests for help are 30 times more likely to get a yes than a request made by email. So when something is really important and you really need someone's help, make face time to make the request, or use your phone as a phone --

事实证明，有研究支持这一点。亲自获得帮助的请求获得肯定的可能性是通过电子邮件发出的请求的30倍。因此，当某些事情非常重要且你真的需要别人的帮助时，请花时间提出要求，或者将手机用作手机 -

08:34

(Laughter)

08:36

to ask for the help that you need.

寻求你需要的帮助。

08:39

OK. Last one, and this is actually a really, really important one and probably the one that is most overlooked when it comes to asking for help: when you ask someone for their help and they say yes, follow up with them afterward. There's a common misconception that what's rewarding about helping is the act of helping itself. This is not true. What is rewarding about helping is knowing that your help landed, that it had impact, that you were effective. If I have no idea how my help affected you, how am I supposed to feel about it?

ok! 最后一个，这实际上是一个非常非常重要的一个，可能是在寻求帮助时最容易被忽视的一个：当你向某人寻求帮助并且他们说是，然后跟进他们。人们普遍存在一种误解，即对帮助有益的是帮助自己的行为。这不是真的。什么是帮助的回报是知道你的帮助落地，它有影响，你是有效的。如果我不知道我的帮助对你有什么影响，我该怎么想？

09:14

This happened; I was a university professor for many years, I wrote lots and lots of letters of recommendation for people to get jobs or to go into graduate school. And probably about 95 percent of them, I have no idea what happened. Now, how do I feel about the time and effort I took to do that, when I really have no idea if I helped you, if it actually helped you get the thing that you wanted? In fact, this idea of feeling effective is part of why certain kinds of donor appeals are so, so persuasive -- because they allow you to really vividly imagine the effect that your help is going to have.

这发生过; 我是一名大学教授多年，我写了很多很多推荐信给人们找工作或进入研究生院。可能大约95％，我不知道发生了什么。现在，我如何感受到我花时间和精力去做，当我真的不知道我是否帮助过你，是否真的帮助你获得了你想要的东西？事实上，这种感觉有效的想法是为什么某些类型的捐助者呼吁如此具有说服力的一部分 - 因为它们可以让你真实地生动地想象你的帮助会产生什么效果。

09:49

Take something like DonorsChoose. You go online, you can choose the individual teacher by name whose classroom you're going to be able to help by literally buying the specific items they've requested, like microscopes or laptops or flexible seating. An appeal like that makes it so easy for me to imagine the good that my money will do, that I actually get an immediate sense of effectiveness the minute I commit to giving.

拿DonorsChoose这样的东西。你上网，你可以选择个别老师的名字，你可以通过字面购买他们要求的特定项目，如显微镜或笔记本电脑或灵活的座位，帮助你的教室。这样的吸引力让我很容易想象我的钱会做的好事，我实际上会在我承诺给予的那一刻立即感受到有效性。

10:15

But you know what else they do? They follow up. Donors actually get letters from the kids in the classroom. They get pictures. They get to know that they made a difference. And this is something we need to all be doing in our everyday lives, especially if we want people to continue to give us help over the long term. Take time to tell your colleague that the help that they gave you really helped you land that big sale, or helped you get that interview that you were really hoping to get.

但你知道他们还做了什么吗？他们跟进。捐赠者实际上会在课堂上收到孩子们的来信。他们得到照片。他们知道他们有所作为。这是我们在日常生活中需要做的事情，特别是如果我们希望人们能够长期给予我们帮助。花点时间告诉你的同事他们给你的帮助确实帮助你获得了大笔销售，或者帮助你获得了你真正希望获得的面试。

Take time to tell your partner that the support they gave you really made it possible for you to get through a tough time. Take time to tell your catsitter that you're super happy that for some reason, this time the cats didn't break anything while you were away, and so they must have done a really good job.

花点时间告诉你的伴侣，他们给你的支持确实让你度过了艰难的时光。花点时间告诉你的经理你非常高兴，因为某些原因，这次猫在你不在的时候没有破坏任何东西，所以他们一定做得很好。

11:02

The bottom line is: I know -- believe me, I know -- that it is not easy to ask for help. We are all a little bit afraid to do it. It makes us feel vulnerable. But the reality of modern work and modern life is that nobody does it alone. Nobody succeeds in a vacuum. More than ever, we actually do have to rely on other people, on their support and collaboration, in order to be successful.

底线是：我知道 - 相信我，我知道 - 要求帮助并不容易。我们都有点害怕这样做。它让我们感到脆弱。但现代工作和现代生活的现实是没有人独自完成。没人在真空中成功。我们比以往任何时候都更需要依靠其他人，在他们的支持和合作上，才能获得成功。

11:30

So when you need help, ask for it out loud. And when you do, do it in a way that increases your chances that you'll get a yes and makes the other person feel awesome for having helped you, because you both deserve it.

因此，当您需要帮助时，请大声询问。当你做的时候，这样做可以增加你得到肯定的机会，并让对方感觉很棒，因为你们都应该得到它。

11:46

Thank you.