Original心理探寻Psychology心理探寻Yesterday
GIF图片出自电影《被嫌弃的松子的一生》
A tragic number of children have been raised to practice self-sacrifice and self-erasure in order to meet the needs of others, mainly their primary caregivers. This is often the main function that the child serves in the parent-child dynamic. This is wrong because it’s the parent’s responsibility to take care of the child, not vice versa.
有相当一部分孩子在被养育过程中，被灌输要自我牺牲、自我消除，以迎合他人需求，其中，主要是看护者的需求。
这是亲子关系状态中孩子常扮演的角色。
但这是错误的，
因为，照顾孩子是父母的责任，反之则不成立。
However, what often happens is that people have children when they are not ready to do so. Not so much in a material sense, although sometimes this is true too, but rather in a psychological and emotional regard. Many people who have children haven’t resolved their own past issues. As a result, they end up having children for the wrong reasons and end up replicating the trauma or its symptoms that they suffered in the past.
但常见现象却是，人们还没有做好准备，就生下孩子。这里的“准备”，并非主要是指物质方面，虽然有时也的确如此，而是更多的是指心理和情绪方面。很多父母都还未解决他们过去的问题。因此，他们出于各种错误的理由去生下孩子，最终却复制着自身曾经历的创伤或创伤所表现出的种种症状。
In some instances, the parent is actually well meaning and actually tries not to traumatize the child by seeking professional help and doing a lot of self-work. But in most cases, the parent says that they want what’s best for the child but in actuality they don’t really want to try because it’s too inconvenient and too much hard work. Or worse, their hate for the child is explicit.
有些情形中，有的父母的确会为孩子好。他们会寻求专业帮助或努力自我修复，以此来努力避免给孩子造成创伤。但大多数情形中，父母虽然嘴上说想给孩子最好的，但实际上他们压根就不想尝试，因为这会很麻烦很辛苦。也或者，甚至更糟糕的是，他们会直白表露对孩子的厌恶。
Wittingly or unwittingly, the result of this kind of parenting—that, again, stems from previous lacking parenting—is that a child is raised in a way to be subservient to others often to the degree that they become people-pleasers, have poor boundaries, self-sacrifice, or even act in a severely self-destructive manner.
无论是有意或无意，这种养育方式（也源于他们小时候所受到的养育方式）的结果就是，孩子被养育成为服从他人之人，而且通常会发展至成为讨好者、无界限感、自我牺牲，甚至表现出严重自我摧毁行为的程度。
Here are five common ways a child is raised to take care of others at the expense of their own healthy well-being.
以下是孩子被养育成牺牲自己健康快乐来照顾他人之人的五种常见方式：
01
Lack of love and care
缺乏爱与关怀
This includes obvious cases of overt psychical, sexual, and verbal abuse. It also involves covert or passive abuse, like neglect, abandonment, emotional unavailability, vicarious abuse where the child is put in harmful environments, gaslighting, or “nice” manipulations and lies.
Here, the child learns that they are unlovable, bad, defective, not good enough, unimportant, invisible, and in constant threat of danger. The effects of this kind of behavior haunt a person well into their adulthood and often last a lifetime.
这既包含明显的肢体、性和语言虐待，也包括不明显或被动型的虐待，如忽视、抛弃、情感疏离、间接型虐待（将孩子置于危害环境之中），煤气灯式心理操纵，或“善意的”操纵和谎言等。
在这类情形中，孩子们学到：
他们不值得被爱、
很坏、
有缺陷、
不够好、
微不足道、
透明人，
而且始终可能遭遇危险。
而这种行为所产生的种种后果则会一直延续至成年阶段，甚至通常会持续一生。
延伸阅读：剖析 “煤气灯式心理操纵（Gaslighting）”
02
False teachings regarding others
关于他人的一些错误观念
Parents and other authority figures teach a child many false beliefs, either by telling the child explicitly, or implicitly by the way they treat them.
A few examples of the messages the child receives can be the following: “Parents are always right.” “Blood is thicker than water.” “I’m your father/mother/teacher, so I know better.” “Family is everything.” “You’re just a child.” “Don’t be selfish (meaning, you are not important; your duty is to meet my needs).”
Here, the child learns that whoever is stronger is in charge. They also learn that you can’t question authority. And that you are always subservient to the parent. And that authority is always right.
父母和其他权威人物会给孩子传授很多错误的观念。他们或者是采用直接灌输的方式，也或者是通过对孩子的对待方式来潜移默化。
比如，
“天下无不是的父母”、
“血浓于水”
“我是你父亲/母亲/老师，所以我比你懂”
“家人才是最重要的”
“你只是个孩子”
“别那么自私（这句话的含义是：你并不重要，你的义务是满足我的需求）。”
在这种情形中，孩子学到：
谁强大谁说了算；
不能质疑权威；
你需要永远服从于你的父母，而且权威者永远都是正确的。
03
Skewed self-worth and self-esteem
扭曲的自我价值和自尊感
In toxic childhood environments, a child is taught many harmful beliefs about themselves, most of which they later internalize and it becomes their self-perception.
For instance, the child learns that that they are worthless, that they are responsible for everything that goes wrong, that they are overly incompetent (learned helplessness), that they can’t trust anyone and have to do everything themselves, and that their self-esteem depends purely on other people’s perception (e.g., if people like me then everything is good, if they don’t then everything is bad).
在毒性童年环境中，孩子们学到了很多关于他们自身的有害观念，其中大部分在后来都会被内化，并成为他们的自我认知。
例如，孩子学到：
他们毫无价值、
他们需要对所有错误负责，
他们能力极其不足（习得性无助），
他们不能信任任何人而且任何事都必须自己亲自做，
他们的自尊感完全取决于别人的看法
（比如，如果人们喜欢我，那一切都很美好；如果人们不喜欢我，那么一切都很糟糕）。
延伸阅读：什么是“习得性无助”以及产生原因
04
Unreasonable expectations and doomed-to-fail scenarios
不合理的期望与注定会失败的场景
A lot of children are raised in a way where they are expected to be perfect. Their caregivers set unrealistic standards where no matter what the child does they are punished for “failing.”
In reality, making mistakes is normal and even necessary in order to learn and grow. However, many children are forbidden to make mistakes and receive severe consequences, be it overt punishments or rejection and withdrawal of love and care.
As a result they become neurotic and overly anxious, or perfectionistic, or unmotivated and unproductive, or even unwilling to do anything.
很多孩子在养育过程中被渴望完美。他们的看护者对他们设置了不切实际的标准，根据这些标准，孩子无论做什么，都会因“失败”而受到惩罚。在现实中，犯错是正常的，甚至是学习和成长所必需的。但很多孩子被禁止犯错，而且会遭受严重后果，或是直接惩罚，或是拒绝给予或收回爱和关怀。
这样，孩子们就会变得神经质和过度焦虑，或完美主义，或无自驱性且低效率，或甚至不想做任何事情。
05
True thoughts and emotions are forbidden
禁止表达真实想法和情绪
A person’s feelings communicate important information about their environment and well-being, and their thoughts reflect their perception of reality and help them more accurately conceptualize and codify this reality and the information within it. … It is a cruel crime against children to restrict them from being in touch with their feelings and thoughts and from expressing them authentically.
To adjust to and survive in a toxic and potentially dangerous environment, a child learns to repress their true feelings and thoughts because to do otherwise means to risk losing the caregiver-child bond. And so the child learns to comply and self-erase. Such an adult may be clueless of who they truly are and how they truly feel because they were forced very early on to repress their true self.
一个人的感受传递着关于其所处环境和健康快乐程度的重要信息；
他们的想法反映着他们对现实的认知，并且能够帮助他们对现实以及现实中所包含的种种信息形成更精准的概念化和系统化理解……
将孩子与他们自身的感受和想法切断，禁止他们真实表达这些感受和想法，是一种残忍的罪行。
为了在毒性、存在潜在危险的环境中适应、生存，孩子学会了压抑自身的真实感受和想法，因为倘若不这么做，可能就会失去看护者与自己之间的某种“亲密关系”。
这样，孩子就学会了服从和自我消除。当这种孩子长大成人后，他们可能根本不知道真实自我，不知道他们自己真正的感受，因为在人生早期，他们已经被强迫压抑真实自我。
Closing words/结语
Often a significant portion of one’s true self—one’s true identity—is lost forever. That’s why proper childrearing is so important. It’s easier to raise a child well than fix a wounded adult.
But, to leave you on a more positive and hopeful note, in many cases a person is able to re-discover their self and heal the damage through self-work and with the help of a caring and empathetic expert.
通常，一个人真正自我——一个人的真正身份——中的很大一部分就永远失去了。这就是为什么良好的抚育过程如此重要。好好养育一个孩子，要比修复一个受伤的成年人简单得多。但，积极的一面是，很多时候人们都能够重新发现真实自我，或是通过自己努力，或是在充满关怀、具有同理心的专家帮助下，修复了创伤。
Did you recognize any of this in your own upbringing? How did it affect you? Feel free to leave your thoughts in the comment section below.
在你成长过程中，
上述哪种方式让你感到似曾相识呢？
它对你又造成了怎样的影响呢？
在下面评论吧
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