SEATTLE—Shedding new light on the corporation’s aggressive labor practices, a new report released Wednesday found that Amazon is using heat-sensing alien hunters to track workers attempting to unionize. “We care deeply about the future of our company, which is why we’ve deployed an extraterrestrial species to warehouses and Whole Foods stores that we believe are at high risk of unionization,” read the report in part, quoting insider sources at Amazon who explained that while the move may be seen as controversial, there’s no law preventing a corporation from stalking their own employees with interstellar assassins. “We were very impressed when we sat down with these alien hunters. With their work ethic and affinity for cutting-edge technology like wristblades and plasmacasters, we think they’ll make an excellent fit at Amazon. They’ve already proven to be great at quickly climbing across stacks of pallets or scurrying along the tops of grocery aisles to spy on and shoot any employees who discuss improving their working conditions. Oh, and we’d like to remind employees that using mud to disguise your heat signature is a violation of company policy.” At press time, the effort was suspended after several heat-sensing alien hunters collapsed in an Amazon warehouse from exhaustion.
西雅圖ー週三發佈的一份新報告揭示了亞馬遜公司激進的勞工行為。報告發現，亞馬遜公司正在利用感熱的外星獵人來追蹤試圖成立工會的工人。 “我們非常關心我們公司的未來，這就是為什麼我們在倉庫和全食超市部署了一個外星物種，我們認為這些倉庫和全食超市有很高的工會化風險，”報告部分引用了亞馬遜內部消息人士的解釋，他們解釋說，儘管此舉可能會被視為有爭議，但沒有法律禁止公司用星際刺客跟蹤自己的員工。 ”當我們和這些外星獵人坐在一起時，我們印象深刻。 憑藉他們的職業道德和對先進科技的熱愛，比如腕片和等離子體獼猴，我們認為他們在亞馬遜會很合適。 他們已經被證明是偉大的，在快速爬過棧板或沿著雜貨店的頂部疾走監視和射擊任何員工討論改善他們的工作條件。 我們想提醒員工，用泥土掩蓋熱信號，是違反公司規定的” 截至記者發稿時，由於幾個熱感應的外星獵人在亞馬遜的一個倉庫裡筋疲力盡而倒下，這項工作暫停了。
