文字+音頻
Hello, my name is Dessa, and I'm a member of a hip-hop collective called Doomtree. I'm the one in
the tank top. And I make my living as a performing, touring rapper and singer.
大家好，我叫黛莎，是一個名為 Doomtree 的嘻哈團體的成員。我是穿背心的那個。我以巡演表演為生，是
一位獨立歌手，也是說唱歌手。
When we perform as a collective, this is what our shows look like. I'm the one in the boots. There's a
lot of jumping. There's a lot of sweating. It's loud. It's very high-energy. Sometimes there are
unintentional body checks onstage.
我們的集體表演就是這樣子。我是其中一人穿著靴子的。表演中有很多地方要跳躍和出汗；是非常高能量的消
耗和喧鬧。偶爾在舞臺上身體會互相阻擋。
Sometimes there are completely intentional body checks onstage. It's kind of a hybrid between an
intramural hockey game and a concert. However, when I perform my own music as a solo artist, I
tend to gravitate towards more melancholy sounds.
又有時候會有身體的故意互相碰撞，有點像校內音樂會和曲棍球比賽的混合。然而當我作為一個獨唱的藝術家，
更傾向於呈現憂鬱的聲音。
A few years ago, I gave my mom the rough mixes of a new album, and she said, "Baby, it's beautiful,
but why is it always so sad?" "You always make music to bleed out to." And I thought, "Who are you
hanging out with that you know that phrase?"
幾年前，我給母親一張混音的新專輯，她說，“寶貝，歌很美，但為什麼總是那麼憂傷？”“你總是創作滲出悲
涼的音樂。”我想，“你是和誰一起學會用到這個詞組？”
But over the course of my career, I've written so many sad love songs that I got messages like this
from fans: "Release new music or a book. I need help with my breakup." And after performing and
recording and touring those songs for a long time, I found myself in a position in which my
professional niche was essentially romantic devastation.
在我的職業生涯中，寫了非常多憂傷的愛情歌曲，以致常常收到這樣的信息：“儘快出新音樂或書籍，幫助我
分手。”在演出，錄製音像和巡演了很長一段時間之後，我發現自己的專業定位是完全摧毀浪漫。
What I hadn't been public about, however, was the fact that most of these songs had been written
about the same guy. And for two years, we tried to sort ourselves out, and then for five and on and
off for 10.
然而我並沒有公開，這些歌曲大部分都是和同一個人有關的。有兩年，我們兩人試圖梳理我們之間的問題，然
後是五年，並斷斷續續十年了。
And I was not only heartbroken, but I was kind of embarrassed that I couldn't rebound from what
other people seemed to recover from so regularly. And even though I knew it wasn't doing either of
us any good, I just couldn't figure out how to put the love down.
我不只是心碎，而且有點尷尬，因為我沒辦法像其他人一樣，慣常的恢復過來。我知道這對我倆都沒有好處，
我只是不知道如何把那愛放下。
Then, drinking white wine one night, I saw a TED Talk by a woman named Dr. Helen Fisher, and she
said that in her work, she'd been able to map the coordinates of love in the human brain. And I
thought, well, if I could find my love in my brain, maybe I could get it out. So I went to Twitter.
有一天，在喝了一夜的酒之後，我看了海倫·費雪女博士的 TED 演講，她提到她已經能夠繪製出人類大腦中戀
愛的座標。於是我想，如果我可以在大腦中找到我的戀情所在，也許可以把它拿出來。所以我上了推特。
"Anybody got access to an fMRI lab, like at midnight or something? I'll trade for backstage passes
and whiskey." And that's Dr. Cheryl Olman, who works at the University of Minnesota's Center for
Magnetic Resonance Research.
“無論是午夜或任何時候，誰有進入功能磁共振實驗室的許可？我會用後臺通行證和威士忌交換。”那是謝麗
爾·奧爾曼博士，她在明尼蘇達大學的磁共振研究中心工作。
She took me up on it. I explained Dr. Fisher's protocol, and we decided to recreate it with a sample
size of one, me. So I got decked out in a pair of forest green scrubs, and I was laid on a gurney and
wheeled into an fMRI machine.
她接受了我的邀請。我解釋了費雪醫生的治療方案，商議後決定用我，這唯一一個樣本做這個試驗。我穿了一
身森林綠色的衣服，躺在輪床上，然後被推入功能磁共振儀裡。
If you're unfamiliar with that technology, essentially, an fMRI machine is a big, tubular magnet that
tracks the progress of deoxygenated iron in your blood. So it's essentially figuring out what parts of
your brain are making the biggest metabolic demand at any given moment.
如果你對那個技術不太熟悉，功能磁共振儀基本上是一個大型的管狀磁鐵，可以跟蹤血液中缺氧鐵的變化。它
會弄清楚你大腦的哪一部分，在給定時刻有最大的新陳代謝需求。
And in that way, it can figure out which structures are associated with a task, like tapping your finger,
for example, will always light up the same region, or in my case, looking at pictures of your ex-
boyfriend and then looking at pictures of a dude who just sort of resembled my ex-boyfriend but for
whom I had no strong feelings.
由此計算出大腦哪個部分跟某一身體活動相關聯，比如重複輕敲你的手指，總能點亮同一的區域，或者在我的
例子中，望著我前男友的照片一段時間，然後看一張有點像我前男友的照片，但我對這人沒有強烈的感情；
He was the control. And when I left the machine, we had these really high-resolution images of my
brain. We could cleave the two halves apart. We could inflate the cortex to see inside all of the
wrinkles, essentially, in a view that Dr. Cheryl Olman called the "brain skin rug."
這是對照實驗。當我離開儀器，他們得到了我大腦非常高解析度的圖像。他們可以將我的大腦成像分成兩半，
可以使皮質膨脹，看到所有皺紋，這就是謝麗爾·奧爾曼博士所說的“大腦外皮地毯”。
And we could see how my brain had behaved when I looked at images of both men. And this was
important. We could track all of the activity when I looked at the control and when I looked at my ex,
and it was in comparing these data sets that we'd be able to find the love alone, in the same way
that,
當我分別看這兩個男人的照片時，我的大腦有不同反應。這點很重要。這樣可以追蹤我的所有腦部活動，包括
我看到前男友及對照男士的情況，然後通過對比這兩種情況的數據集，就能夠尋找我的所愛是誰；
if I were to step on a scale fully dressed and then step on it again naked, the difference between
those numbers would be the weight of my clothing. So when we did that data comparison, we
subtracted one from the other, we found activity in exactly the regions that Dr. Fisher would have
predicted.
跟我穿著衣服站在體重秤上，然後裸體站在秤上的道理類似，這些數據的差異就是我衣服的重量。所以當做了
那些數據比較之後，我們找到了有用的結果，實驗發現活躍的領域正好就在費雪醫生預測的地方。
That's me. And that's my brain in love. There was activity in that little orange dot, the ventral
tegmental area, that kind of loop of red is the anterior cingulate and that golden set of horns is the
caudates.
那是我。那是我戀愛的大腦。那個小橘點是在中腦的活動，位於腹側被蓋區，那紅色的環是前扣帶，那對金色
的角就是尾狀核。
After she had had time to analyze the data with her team and a couple of partners, Andrea and Phil,
Cheryl sent me an image, a single slide. It was my brain in cross section, with one bright dot of activity
that represented my feelings for this dude.
她與團隊成員，包括安德里亞和菲爾，花了些時間分析了數據之後，謝麗爾給我發來一張圖片。是我大腦的橫
截面，這個亮點代表腦部活動，是我對這傢伙的感情。
And I'd known I was in love, and that's the whole reason I was going to these outrageous lengths.
But having an image that proved it felt like such a vindication, like, "Yeah, it's all in my head, but now
I know exactly where."
我知道我在戀愛中，這就是我很漫長的反常現象。我感覺這張照片是一種確認，就像，“一切都在我的腦海裡，
現在找到正確的位置了。”
And I also felt like an assassin who had her mark. That was what I had to annihilate. So I decided to
embark on a course of treatment called "neurofeedback." I worked with a woman named Penijean
Gracefire, and she explained that what we'd be doing was training my brain.
我也覺得自己像個刺客，身上帶著標記；那是我必須除去的。所以我決定參加一項治療課程，稱為“神經反饋”。
我和佩尼琴·格雷斯菲爾女士合作，她解釋道只需要做那些用來訓練我大腦的事情，
We're not lobotomizing anything. We're training it in the way that we would train a muscle, so that
it would be flexible enough and resilient enough to respond appropriately to my circumstances.
無需進行腦葉切開術；用類似訓練肌肉的方法來訓練我的大腦，讓它有足夠的靈活性和彈性，來應對我的處境，
做出適當的反應。
So when we're on the treadmill, we would anticipate that our heart would beat and pound, and when
we're asleep, we would ask that that muscle slow. Similarly, when I'm in a long-term, viable, loving
romantic relationship, the emotional centers of my brain should engage,
當我們在跑步機上會預期心臟砰砰跳動，而當我們睡覺時，會讓心跳慢下來。同樣，當我處於一段長期、可維
持、充滿愛的浪漫關係中，我大腦的情感中心會參與其中，
and when I'm not in a long-term, viable, emotional, loving relationship, they should eventually chill
out. So she came over with a set of electrodes just smaller than a dime that were sensitive enough
to detect my brainwaves through my bone and hair and scalp.
而當我不處於一段長期、可維持、激情的戀愛關係中時，大腦的情感中心最終會冷靜下來。佩尼琴帶來了一套
比一角硬幣還小的電極，敏感度足以穿透頭骨，頭髮和頭皮、偵測我的腦電波。
And when she rigged me up, I could see my brain working in real time. And in another view that she
showed me, I could see exactly which parts of my brain were hyperactive, here displayed in red;
hypoactive, here displayed in blue;
當我佩戴上了電極，就可以實時檢測我的大腦活動。同時她給我看的另一幅圖，可以清楚看到我大腦哪些部分
極度活躍，就是紅色的部分；不活躍的，用藍色來表示；
and the healthy threshold of behavior, the green zone, the Goldilocks zone, which is where I wanted
to go. And we can, in fact, isolate just those parts of my brain that were associated with the romantic
regulation that we'd identified in the Fisher study.
以及健康的行為門檻，就是綠色和金色的區域，那是活躍區要改變的顏色。事實上，在我大腦中可以識別出
在費雪研究中發現與浪漫規則相關的部分。
So Penijean, several times, hooked me up with all her electrodes, and she explained that I didn't have
to do or think anything. I just essentially had to hold pretty still and stay awake and watch. So I did.
And every time my brain operated in that healthy threshold, I got a little run of harp or vibraphone
music.
有幾次，佩尼琴給我接上了所有的電極，她指示我什麼都不用做，不用想。我只要保持安靜，保持清醒，只是
觀察著。我這樣做了。每次我的大腦在那個健康的閾值中運行，都是聽到一些豎琴或電顫琴音樂。
And I just watched my brain rotate at roughly the speed of a gyro machine on my dad's flat-screen
TV. And that was counterintuitive. She said the learning would be essentially unconscious. But then I
thought about the other things I had learned without actively engaging my conscious mind.
我總是從父親的平板電視上看到大腦在以陀螺的速度旋轉。那是違反直覺的。她說這種學習基本上是無意識的。
但後來我又想到，我在沒有意識的情況下學到的其他東西。
When you ride a bike, I don't really know what, like, my left calf muscle is doing, or how my latissimus
dorsi knows to engage when I wobble to the right. The body just learns.
當你騎自行車時，我並不確切知道我的左小腿肌肉在做什麼，或者我的背闊肌在我向右搖晃時會如何配合。身
體自然就學會了。
And similarly, Pavlov's dogs probably don't know a lot about, like, protein structures or the waveform
of a ringing bell, but they salivate nonetheless because the body paired the stimuli.
同樣，巴甫洛夫的狗可能不太瞭解蛋白質結構或鈴聲的波形，但它們還是會分泌唾液，因為那身體與刺激的配
對。
Finished the sessions, went back to Dr. Cheryl Olman's fMRI machine, and we repeated the protocol,
the same images -- of the ex, of the control and, in the interest of scientific rigor, Cheryl and her team
didn't know who was who, so that they couldn't influence the results.
我完成了課程，回到謝麗爾·歐曼博士的功能磁共振儀器，繼續之前的醫療實驗計劃，同樣的照片--一張前男友，
一張對照組的，為了科學的嚴密性，謝麗爾和她的團隊不知道照片上分別是誰，所以他們不能影響結果。
And after she had time to analyze that second set of data, she sent me that image. She said, "Dude
A's dominance of your brain seems to essentially have been eradicated. I think this is the desired
result," comma, yes, question mark. And that was the exactly the desired result.
在她花時間分析了第二次數據後，她送來了那張圖像。她說，“主導你大腦的那個傢伙基本上被根除了。
是我們期望的結果。”事件告一階段了，但為什麼？那確實是我們預期的結果。
And finally, I allowed myself a moment to introspect, like, how did I feel? And in one way, it felt like
it was the same inventory of feelings that I'd had at the outset. This isn't "Eternal Sunshine of the
Spotless Mind." The dude wasn't a stranger.
最後，我讓自己反省，比如，我當時是什麼感覺？在某種程度上，這感覺和我一開始的感覺是一樣的。這不是
《美麗心靈的永恆陽光》。那傢伙不是陌生人。
But I'd had love and jealousy and amity and attraction and respect and all those complicated feelings
that you amass after long-term love. But it felt like the benevolent feelings had risen to the surface,
and the feelings of fixation and the less-generous feelings weren't quite so present.
但是，他曾經激起過我的愛、嫉妒、親密、愛慕和尊重，以及在長期的戀愛之後所積累的所有那些複雜的情感。
然而就像仁慈的心已經浮出水面，那固執不願意慷慨付出的感情已經沒有那麼明顯了。
And that sounds like a small thing in some way, this resequencing of feelings, but to me it felt like
the biggest thing. Like, if I told you, "I'm going to anesthetize you, and I'm also going to take out
your wisdom teeth," it would really matter to you the sequence in which I did those two things.
聽起來似乎沒什麼大不了，但這種情感的重新排序，對我而言，是天大的事情。就好像我告訴你，“我要麻醉
你，並打算拔掉你的智齒，”我做這兩件事情的順序對你很重要。
And I also felt like I'd had this really unusual philosophical privilege to understand love. The lab
offered to 3D-print my caudate. I got to hold love in my hand. And then I bronzed it, and I made it
into a necklace and sold it at the merch table at my shows.
並且我也感覺到我有這種不同尋常的哲學特權去理解愛情。實驗室提供了我的尾狀核的 3D 打印模型，我要把
愛情握在手裡。它已被塗成古銅色，做成了一條項鍊，在我秀場的購物桌上賣掉了。
And then, with the help of a couple of friends back in Minneapolis, one of them Becky, we made an
enormous disco ball of it -- that could descend from the ceiling at my big shows. And I felt like I'd
had the opportunity to better understand love, even the compulsive parts.
然後，在明尼阿波利斯幾個朋友的幫助下，其中之一是貝基，我們參照它做了一個巨大的迪斯科球--可以在我
的大型演出上從天花板上掉下來。我感覺我藉著這個機會更好的理解了愛情，即便是必須要經過苦戀的部分。
It isn't a neat, symmetrical Valentine's heart. It's bodily, it's systemic, it is a hideous pair of ram's horns
buried somewhere deep within your skull, and when that special boy walks by, it lights up, and if he
likes you back and you make each other happy, then you fan the flames.
它不是一顆條理有序情人節的心。它是有身體的、系統的、彷彿一對醜惡的公羊角，埋在你的頭骨深處，
當那個特別的男孩經過時，它就會亮起來，如果他也喜歡你，你們會讓彼此快樂，那麼你煽起火焰。
And if he doesn't, then you assemble a team of neuroscientists to snuff them out by force. Thanks.
如果他不喜歡你，就去召集一組神經科學家，用武力將它們消滅。謝謝。
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