如何接受讚美？
How to Accept a Compliment
CAROLYN BUCIOR
2018年5月24日
JANET HANSEN
Alone in my office one afternoon, I unpeeled the wrapper from a square of chocolate with a deliberate curiosity not associated with office snacking. As the minty candy dissolved in my mouth, I read the words printed inside the wrapper: “Accept a compliment.”
一天下午，我一個人在辦公室裡，帶著刻意的好奇打開一塊巧克力包裝紙，這種好奇和辦公室茶點完全沒有關係。薄荷味的糖果在嘴裡融化時，我看見印在包裝紙裡的字：“接受一個讚美。”
I would normally not say yes to suggestions from strangers who work in what I assume is the marketing department of Dove Chocolate, Promises Division. But they aren’t alone in their advice. “Ladies, why the heck can’t we take a compliment?” a Prevention writer asked in a January headline. The message: C’mon women. Quit being apologists. Fully accept the compliments you deserve — without any self-deprecation or changing of the subject.
我通常不會接受陌生人的建議。我猜這個建議來自德芙巧克力市場部“承諾組”的工作人員。不過，提出這個建議的不是隻有他們。“女士們，我們為什麼不能接受讚美呢？”1月份《預防》(Prevention)雜誌的一篇文章標題這樣問道。它的意思是：拜託，女士們。不要再有歉意了。完全接受你應得的讚美——不要再自我貶低或改變話題。
Until this point, I would have responded to a compliment — say, on my hair — with half acknowledgment and half distraction. “Thanks, but [acknowledge recent struggle with hair or hairdresser]. Ha ha ha.” Doing so restored order. But while a simple “Thank you” was not my style, I decided to try it.
在那之前，我對讚美的回應方式一半是承認，一半是轉移注意力。比如對我頭髮的讚美。“謝謝，但是……（承認自己最近在跟頭髮或髮型師鬥爭）。哈哈哈。”這樣做能恢復秩序。不過，雖然簡單的一句“謝謝”不是我的風格，但我還是決定試一試。
Walking home from work, I approached a neighbor on a ribbon of sidewalk that passes for Main Street in our Wisconsin town. I smiled and waved as we neared each other. Caren smiled and waved back and when I was within earshot, she shouted, “I like your dress!”
我步行下班回家，在我住的威斯康星鎮通往主街的狹窄人行道上，迎面走來了一位鄰居。我們走近時，我微笑著向她招手。卡倫(Caren)也微笑著向我招手，走到能聽見對方說話的距離時，她喊道：“我喜歡你的裙子！”
I assumed this was an easy audition for the New and Improved Way to Accept Compliments and simply said, “Thank you.”
我認為這是一個輕鬆的機會，可以嘗試以更新、更好的方式接受讚美，於是簡單地答道，“謝謝你。”
A short pause followed. It was so deeply still and awkward that had our entire exchange been filmed and replayed, a viewer might reasonably think the video had paused.
隨後我們之間出現了短暫的停頓。特別安靜、尷尬。如果我們的整個交流過程被拍下來回放的話，觀眾完全有理由認為視頻卡住了。
When we reanimated, Caren’s eyes acquired a hard look. “It’s appropriate,” she said. “I like when people dress appropriately.”
我們又動起來的時候，卡倫露出為難的神色。“它挺得體的，”她說，“我喜歡人們穿著得體。”
“Oh. Ummm. Ugh,” I sputtered and continued my walk home, embarrassed. What had I missed by failing to add a remark about how old or inexpensive my dress was?
“哦。嗯。呃，”我結結巴巴地說。然後，我尷尬地繼續往家裡走。我沒能補充說我的裙子其實穿了好多年，而且也不貴。我因此錯過了什麼？
The answer: a coded linguistic invitation.
Up until that candy wrapper advice — and my social faux pas — I hadn’t given much thought to the purpose of compliments, but others certainly had. In recent years, compliments and our reactions to them have been placed under a microscope.
在看到糖果包裝紙的建議以及我的那次社交失禮之前，我沒有深思過讚美的目的，但肯定有人研究過。近年來，讚美以及我們對讚美的反應被置於顯微鏡下研究。
A 2012 study by Japanese researchers suggested that compliments help people to learn and perform new skills. The same researchers equated receiving compliments with receiving cash; both light up the reward system of our brain, the striatum. A 2017 study conducted in Switzerland equated receiving compliments with sex; both excited our brain’s reward system and the ventral medial prefrontal cortex, which heads up social decision making.
日本研究人員2012年的一項研究表明，讚美有助於人們學習和表演新技能。同一批研究人員還將接受讚美同接受現金相比較，二者都點亮了我們大腦的獎勵系統——紋狀體。2017年在瑞士進行的一項研究認為接受讚美和性愛是一樣的，二者都刺激了我們大腦的獎勵系統，以及負責社交決策的腹內側前額葉皮層。
Pop psychologists and bloggers on the topic have been eager to offer advice — often, specifically to women. — A 2004 Psychology Today article was adamant that the only proper way to accept a compliment was “graciously and with a smile” and warned the heedless female reader about the social perils of discounting a compliment in any manner typical of women. “Such answers suck the positivity out of the air and deflate the donor,” it read. In 2015, a Bustle writer offered “7 Tips for Accepting Compliments,” based on the view that “the idea of the human female as meek, humble, shy, and retiring is all very well if you’re a 13th century nun, but it’s hamstringing us radically in the 21st century — and running away from compliments is a symptom.”
流行心理學家和博主們一直熱衷於就這個話題提供建議，往往尤其針對女性。《今日心理學》(Psychology Today)2004年的一篇文章堅定地認為，接受讚美的唯一正確方法是“優雅地微笑”，並警告那些漫不經心的女性讀者，以任何女性的典型方式輕視恭維可能會帶來社交風險。“這樣的回答會吸走正能量，令恭維者洩氣，”它寫道。2015年，《Bustle》在線雜誌的一位作者提出了“接受讚美的七個小貼士”，它依據的是這樣的觀點：“如果你是生活在13世紀的修女，那麼，你可以認為人類女性是溫順、謙虛、害羞、退讓的，但在21世紀，這種觀點從根本上殘害我們，逃離讚美是一種病。”
But even longer ago, in the ’70s and ’80s, the compliment was poked and prodded by sociolinguistic experts. This robust body of research is still being used today at the University of Minnesota to teach adult English as a Second Language students the American way of accepting compliments.
不過，甚至在更久之前，在上世紀七八十年代，社會語言學家已經在研究讚美。明尼蘇達大學(University of Minnesota)仍在用這項充滿活力的研究向以英語為第二語言的成人傳授美國人接受讚美的方式。
According to experts at the university’s Center for Advanced Research on Language Acquisition, two thirds of the time, Americans respond to compliments with something other than, or in addition to, “Thank you.” We shift credit (“My mom picked this dress out for me.”), make a historical comment (“I bought it on sale.”), question the complimenter (“Hmm, you think so?”) or lob back a compliment (“I like your outfit, too.”). Other times we downgrade the compliment (“This thing is so old I was about to give it to Goodwill.”), reject it outright (“I feel like I look like a hobo.”) or treat the compliment as a request (“You want to borrow it?”).
據該大學語言習得高級研究中心的專家稱，美國人在回應讚美的時候，有三分之二的時間不說“謝謝”——或者會在說謝謝之外附加其他的話。我們會轉移功勞（“這條裙子是媽媽幫我選的。”）；描述歷史（“我在打折時買的。”）；反問讚美者（“唔，你這麼覺得嗎？”）或者是拋回一句讚美（“我也喜歡你的外套。”）。還有的時候，我們會弱化讚美（“這東西太舊了，我都打算捐給慈善機構了。”），回絕讚美（“感覺我看著就像個流浪漢。”）或者把讚美當做要求（“你想借用嗎？”）。
In other words, in the United States, the compliment is a coded invitation to chitchat, and simply saying, “Thank you” linguistically slams the door in the complimenter’s face.
“It’s a platitude that language opens doors,” said Andrew Cohen, a professor emeritus of second language studies at University of Minnesota and who was instrumental in developing the language acquisition research center.
“老話總說，語言能打開大門，”明尼蘇達大學(University of Minnesota)第二語言研究的榮譽退休教授安德魯·科恩(Andrew Cohen)說，他在語言習得研究中心的發展中發揮過重要作用。
Don’t I know it. In trying out the supposed right way for a woman to accept a compliment, I learned what such pleasant commentary really signals for Americans of all genders: connection and conversation I have since shamelessly returned to my previous ways, which is to add a little P.S. or a bit of resistance after saying “Thank you.” To do otherwise would be to miss the big point of small talk.
我不懂嗎？在試驗女性接受讚美的正確方法這一過程中，我學到了對於各種性別的美國人來說，令人愉快的讚美真正的意義就在於溝通和交談。此後我又毫不愧疚地回到了之前的方式，那就是在說完“謝謝”之後再多說幾句，或者表現出一點抗拒。要是不這麼做，就會錯過重要的閒聊了。
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