文字+音頻
What are you doing on this stage in front of all these people? Run! Run now. That's the voice of my
anxiety talking.
你站在這個舞臺上做什麼？還當著這麼多人的面？快逃！馬上逃跑！這是我內心的緊張情緒在說話。
Even when there's absolutely nothing wrong, I sometimes get this overwhelming sense of doom, like
danger is lurking just around the corner. You see, a few years ago, I was diagnosed with generalized
anxiety and depression -- two conditions that often go hand in hand.
即便一切都進行得很順利，我也經常會有這種巨大的挫敗感，總覺得危險無處不在。幾年前，我被診斷出患有
焦慮症和抑鬱症 —— 這兩種疾病經常會同時發生。
Now, there was a time I wouldn't have told anybody, especially not in front of a big audience. As a
black woman, I've had to develop extraordinary resilience to succeed. And like most people in my
community, I had themisconception that depression was a sign of weakness, a character flaw.
這段經歷我本不願跟任何人分享，尤其是當著這麼多人的面。作為一名黑人女性，我必須有極強的適應能力才
能取得成功。如同我社區中的大部分人一樣，我誤以為抑鬱症是軟弱的表現，是一種人格缺陷。
But I wasn't weak; I was a high achiever. I'd earned a Master's degree in Media Studies and had a
string of high-profile jobs in the film and television industries. I'd even won two Emmy Awards for
my hard work.
但我並不軟弱，我還蠻成功的。我獲得了媒體研究的碩士學位，在電影和電視行業有一系列不錯的履歷。我的
出色表現還讓我獲得了兩次艾美獎。
Sure, I was totally spent, I lacked interest in things I used to enjoy, barely ate, struggled with insomnia
and felt isolated and depleted. But depressed? No, not me.
沒錯，我感到精疲力盡，我對之前喜歡的事情喪失了興趣，茶飯不思，被失眠所困擾，覺得孤單和消沉。但是
抑鬱症？跟我沒什麼關係吧。
It took weeks before I could admit it, but the doctor was right: I was depressed. Still, I didn't tell
anybody about my diagnosis. I was too ashamed. I didn't think I had the right to be depressed. I had
a privileged life with a loving family and a successful career.
過了好幾周我才承認，醫生是對的，我的確抑鬱了。但我仍然沒有告訴任何人。我覺得羞愧難當。我從沒想過
我也有抑鬱的權利。我生活條件優越，家庭幸福，事業有成。
And when I thought about the unspeakable horrors that my ancestors had been through in this
country so that I could have it better, my shame grew even deeper. I was standing on their shoulders.
How could I let them down? I would hold my head up, put a smile on my face and never tell a soul.
尤其當我想到，正因為我的祖先們在這個國家遭受到那些無法描述的苦難，所以我才能過得好一些，我就越發
感到愧疚。我是站在他們肩膀上的。我怎麼能讓他們失望呢？我只能昂起頭，面帶微笑，不對任何人說。
On July 4, 2013, my world came crashing in on me. That was the day I got a phone call from my mom
telling me that my 22-year-old nephew, Paul, had ended his life, after years of battling depression
and anxiety. There are no words that can describe the devastation I felt.
2013 年 7 月 4 日，我的世界徹底崩潰了。我接到母親的電話，說我 22 歲的侄子，保羅，在與焦慮症和抑鬱
症抗爭多年之後，結束了自己的生命。沒有語言足以形容我的絕望。
Paul and I were very close, but I had no idea he was in so much pain. Neither one of us had ever
talked to the other about our struggles. The shame and stigma kept us both silent.
我跟保羅很親密，但我從來不知道他遭受著如此大的痛苦。我們也從未跟對方提起過自己的掙扎與抗爭。羞愧
與恥辱感讓我倆都保持沉默。
Now, my way of dealing with adversity is to face it head on, so I spent the next two years researching
depression and anxiety, and what I found was mind-blowing. The World Health Organization reports
that depression is the leading cause of sickness and disability in the world.
現在，我應對逆境的方式就是昂首向前，接下來我花了兩年時間來研究抑鬱症和焦慮症，而結果讓我大吃一驚。
根據世界衛生組織的報告，抑鬱症是在世界範圍內導致疾病和傷殘最主要的原因。
While the exact cause of depression isn't clear, research suggests that most mental disorders develop,
at least in part, because of a chemical imbalance in the brain, and/or an underlying genetic
predisposition. So you can't just shake it off.
導致抑鬱症的準確原因尚不清楚，研究顯示，大部分精神疾病的發生，至少有一部分原因，是因為大腦化學物
質的不平衡，以及/或者潛在的遺傳易感性。因此你無法根除它。
For black Americans, stressors like racism and socioeconomic disparities put them at a 20 percent
greater risk of developing a mental disorder, yet they seek mental health services at about half the
rate of white Americans.
對於美國黑人而言，來自種族歧視和社會經濟差異上的壓力，使他們患上心理疾病的幾率要高 20%，然而他
們尋求心理治療的比例僅僅達到美國白人的一半左右。
One reason is the stigma, with 63 percent of black Americans mistaking depression for a weakness.
Sadly, the suicide rate among black children has doubled in the past 20 years.
原因之一就是感到羞恥，有 63%的美國黑人將抑鬱症誤認為是軟弱的表現。令人悲傷的是，黑人兒童的自殺
率在過去 20 年裡增加了一倍。
Now, here's the good news: seventy percent of people struggling with depression will improve with
therapy, treatment and medication. Armed with this information, I made a decision:
當然，也有好消息：受到抑鬱症困擾的人，在治療和藥物的幫助下，有 70%情況會有所好轉。掌握了這些信息
後，我做出了一個決定：
I wasn't going to be silent anymore. With my family's blessing, I would share our story in hopesof
sparking a national conversation.
我不會再沉默下去。有家人的祝福，我要把我們的故事分享出去，希望能引發一場全國性的大討論。
A friend, Kelly Pierre-Louis, said, "Being strong is killing us." She's right. We have got to retire those
tired, old narratives of the strong black woman and the super-masculine black man, who, no matter
how many times they get knocked down, just shake it off and soldier on.
我的一個朋友，凱麗·皮埃爾-露易絲說，“逞強在毀掉我們。”她說的沒錯。我們要擯棄那些老舊過時的敘述，
比如堅強的黑人女性，無比陽剛的黑人男性，他們無論被擊倒多少次，都會爬起來，拍拍灰，繼續前進。
Having feelings isn't a sign of weakness. Feelings mean we're human. And when we deny our
humanity, it leaves us feeling empty inside, searching for ways to self-medicate in order to fill the
void. My drug was high achievement.
感情豐富並不是軟弱的標誌。那意味著我們還有人性。如果我們連自己的人性都否定了，那就成了空心人，終
日尋找自我治療的良藥，填補內心的空白。我的良藥就是巨大的成功。
These days, I share my story openly, and I ask others to share theirs, too. I believe that's what it takes
to help people who may be suffering in silence to know that they are not alone and to know that
with help, they can heal.
這些天來，我公開分享自己的故事，我也鼓勵大家分享自己的。我堅信必須這麼做才能幫助那些在沉默中忍受
痛苦的人們，讓他們知道自己並不孤獨，讓他們相信自己需要幫助，是可以被治癒的。
Now, I still have my struggles, particularrly with the anxiety, but I'm able to manage it through daily
mediation, yoga and are latively healthy diet.
現在我依然在遭受痛苦，主要還是焦慮症，但我可以控制它，通過每天服藥，練瑜伽以及“相對健康的”飲食。
If I feel like things are starting to spiral, I make an appointment to see my therapist, a dynamic black
woman named Dawn Armstrong, who has a great sense of humor and a familiarity that I find
comforting.
一旦我感覺自己狀態不好了，我就會約我的治療師見面，她是一位充滿活力的黑人女性叫，道恩·阿姆斯特朗，
她很幽默，很親切，讓我感到安心。
I will always regret that I couldn't be there for my nephew. But my sincerest hope is that I can inspire
others with the lesson that I've learned.
我一直非常後悔沒有能為我侄子做些什麼。但我真誠地希望 能讓大家吸取我的教訓。
Life is beautiful. Sometimes it's messy, and it's always unpredictable. But it will all be OK when you
have your support system to help you through it. I hope that if your burden gets too heavy, you'll
ask for a hand, too. Thank you.
生命是美麗的。有時候也會不順利，永遠充滿未知。但一切都會好起來的，只要擁有能幫助到你的體制。希望
你們在撐不住的時候，也會去尋求幫助。謝謝。
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