今天的故事，來自主人公Shataakshi Dube在美國知乎Quora一篇很受歡迎文章。她並沒有像大家認為的從一個“差的學校”轉到一個“好的學校”，而是被迫從一個全球公認的頂級院校MIT轉到了一所文理學院。雖然多少有些無奈，但找到了奮鬥的方向，這一切都是值得的。正如她自己所講：“人需要找尋自己的方向，而不是讓別人設立的標準控制你。”希望今天的故事能對大家有所啟迪：既過不戀，當下不雜，未來不迎。
我在MIT的第一個學期表現很優秀。那時的我動力十足，所有科目都拿了A。在微分方程課上我甚至還拿了A+。
第二學期，我依然表現不錯。不過有機化學這門課讓我吃盡了苦頭，最後只拿到了B。那是我人生中的第一個B。儘管當時很失落，我很快就走出了傷痛並始終保持積極主動。最終，我選擇了數學作為我的專業。
我不確定當時為何會去選有機化學這門課，因為我實際上感興趣的是數學。父母一直以來都希望我讀個醫學預科，然後像他們一樣成為醫生。我想，大概那時的我是想滿足他們的心願吧。
但與此同時，我卻在想方設法地遠離他們預期中的我。我的心態太矛盾了，完全不知道這輩子應該做些什麼。我的數學一直很棒，這是我選它作為專業的原因。但那時的我完全沒有意識到，我的自我認同感竟然只來源於“我數學好”這個事實。
第三個學期，我選修了線性代數。在此之前，我從來沒有接觸過基於證明的高等數學課程，最後也理所當然地拿了個D。而我其他課程的成績也一塌糊塗。
我開始不斷地翹課，不斷地睡懶覺。當其他朋友們都拿了不錯的成績，找到了很好的暑期實習機會時，我卻在爸媽的安排下回家跟他們一起呆了一個暑假。到了第四個學期，我拿了兩個F。教務處因此給了我一個警告。
第五學期，
我意識到自己的高等數學功底十分糟糕，因此我決定轉專業到計算機系。我已經徹底失去了自信心。學期初我還會偶爾去上上課；期中之後，我就完全不在課堂上露面了。課上佈置的作業和任務也不再去管它。唯一的安慰就是我還在堅持著參加的舞蹈隊。我出勤很積極，儘管那一天可能除了訓練舞蹈就是宅在寢室睡覺，或者吃晚飯的時候在朋友面前裝作一切都很正常。
然而，瞞得了一時，瞞不了一世。我掛了所有的科目，不得不從MIT退學了。
最糟糕的是，這完全是咎由自取。我只不過是延遲了惡果的到來，這毫無意義。我欺騙了所有人——我自己，朋友，包括我的父母。他們完全不知道我過得這麼狼狽，還一直以為我仍然是那個總是拿全A的我。
記得有一次，表妹跑來找我，問：“拿不到全A的話，你該怎麼辦？”她才剛剛上大學，所以我不假思索地吹了牛。“我不知道呀，因為這件事從來沒有發生在我身上過呢。”
為什麼我不把真相告訴所有人呢？不知道。我對此羞於啟齒。我不想讓朋友們覺得我很笨。
我不想讓父母失望，因為我愛他們。我也害怕他們，憎恨他們。既然已經被勒令退學了，我不得不告訴爸媽。
但整個寒假我都沒有開口，只是告訴他們我不想去學校了。察覺到事情不對的爸爸破天荒地想看我的成績單。我顫抖著把成績單發到了他的郵箱，然後躲到了床下，幻想著最糟糕的後果。
我錯了。爸爸沒有打我，沒有罵我。他只是抱住了我，哭了起來。
第二天他請了假，帶著我和媽媽到一個鄰近的文理學院的招生辦，向他們乞求幫助。真的是“乞求”，他們已經全然放下自己的尊嚴。而我，只是一直麻木地站著。
但幾經波折，我最終還是被錄取了，條件是我第一個學期必須要表現得很出色。
每天，我都要上非常基礎的課程，有些甚至在高中時就已經學過。然而，我還是很焦慮。我對自己已經徹底沒有了信心。在第一門生物考試之前，我告訴媽媽也許我要掛科了。幸運的是，竟然沒掛，而且還考得不錯。
但是其他方面我仍然很差勁。比如寫作課，我始終無法按時完成作業，於是我就再也不去上這門課了。教授後來還因此約我談話，給了我“未達標”作為成績。招生辦對此成績很是不滿，給我下了最後通牒：只給我5個學時，而且如果我下個學期還是這樣的狀態，那就捲鋪蓋走人吧。
我恨自己，也恨他們。然而低學時的限制實際上卻對我有著很大的幫助：從此有了充分的空閒時間。我從這學期開始加入了一個生物實驗室。而且，我愛上了它。每週35個小時孜孜不倦的科研工作讓我意識到，這才是我真正的人生追求！我想成為科學家！
終於，我有了一個內在的驅動力，一個人生目標，一個讓自己甘心付出最大努力去實現的夢想。
日復一日，我在科研與上課之間兩點一線地生活著。這種生活很苦，更何況我和父母之間還有一大堆感情糾葛要處理。然而對目標矢志不渝的追求使我最終完成了自己的願望。去年五月，我以最高榮譽畢業，也很幸運地有機會開始攻讀神經生物學的博士學位。
儘管故事的結局是我用了五年才從大學畢業，
我可以自豪地說從MIT退學是我遇到過的最棒的事情之一。我意識到現在的我可以把對數學的熱愛，全部放到對生物學上；我意識到一個人的一生不是由他考了多高分決定的；我意識到我的父母有多麼愛我，如果沒有他們的支持，我不可能走到今天這一步。
以下是我從退學的經歷中學到的事情：
人需要找尋自己的方向，而不是讓別人設立的標準控制你。
你為自己代言，並且勾勒出你未來的規劃。假如其他人控制了你行為，他們就同時定義了你的成功，你所謂的自我價值，是他們餵給你的。
一開始，在MIT的我就一直生活在“成績全A”的模式裡，我的人生價值自己鮮少思考，說白了那時候的我只是“全A模式”裡的衍生品罷了。
你必須牢牢抓住自己的權利。脫口秀女王Operah是一個絕佳的例子，她花了很長時間搞清自己究竟要成為什麼人，而不是讓別人左右她的人生。
不要為改變而感到羞愧。
“改變”要經歷五個階段：前觀察階段、觀察階段、準備階段、行動階段以及保持階段。
經歷改變可能會使人害怕，但是因為羞怯而拒絕改變則會阻礙每個人的成長。就好比曾經在MIT的我所拒絕的那樣——我不想讓所有人覺得我不再完美、不再聰明。
可是要知道，你等的時間越長，改變會變得越難。
不要總想著取悅別人。
我們經常是通過別人對我們的評價來評價自己，這與堅定的內心恰好相反。
關於取悅別人，有以下五條值得銘記：
這是在浪費時間。
取悅他人者很容易被別人操縱。
對別人來講，感到生氣或失望都是很平常的事情。
你不可能取悅每個人。
打消取消別人的念頭，會使你更加強大和自信。
不要對往昔念念不忘。
過去的就是去過了。我們無法改變已經發生的事情，“沉溺於往昔會摧毀自己，使你不能享受當下，並且阻礙你籌劃未來。”念舊不能解決任何問題，還帶來沮喪感。
不過，審視過去也有好處。從已經發生的事情中吸取經驗教訓，思忖事實，而不要沉溺於情緒，用一個新的角度去看待問題對當下很有幫助。
如果你讀到了這裡，謝謝你。
我明白我有多麼幸運，因為這個故事本應該有一個悲傷的結局。這之前，我從未把我的故事寫得這麼詳細。神奇的是，把它們寫下來竟然會讓我感到好受很多。
自從離開MIT之後，我就再也沒有和那裡的朋友聯繫過了。
但我相信他們讀完這篇文章之後會理解我的。我要誠懇地向你們說一聲：對不起。
Shataakshi Dube
failed out of MIT, somehow survived
This happened to me.
My first semester at MIT was awesome - I was very motivated and got all A's, despite everything being pass/no record. I even got an A+ in differential equations. My second semester went pretty well, too, but I struggled very much in organic chemistry and ended up with a B. This was my first B ever, and though I was disappointed, I shook it off and tried to stay positive. I declared math as my major.
I'm not even sure why I took organic chemistry, since I was interested in math. My parents were pressuring me to be a premed and become a doctor (like them) so I guess I was trying to appease them. But at the same time, I was desperately running away from them and their emotional abuse. I was very conflicted and had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I had always excelled in math and so I chose to pursue that. I didn't know it at the time, but my very sense of self-worth was based on the fact that I was good at math.
My third semester, I took 18.700 (Linear Algebra). I had never done higher-level math based on proofs before, and I ended up with a D. I didn't do that well in my other classes, either. I started skipping classes more and more, sleeping more and more. It seemed like all my friends were doing so well, getting all these internships and opportunities over the summers, while my parents made me fly home and stay with them every summer. The next semester I got 2 F's and was put on academic warning by CAP.
My fifth semester, I realized that I was awful at higher-level math and so I switched my major to computer science. I had lost all confidence in myself. I attended a few classes at the beginning of the semester, but after the first midterms, I completely stopped. I stopped doing psets. My only relief was the dance team I was on. I would sleep all day, muster up the courage to get out of bed and go to dance practice, pretend everything was okay at dinner with my friends, and then go back to sleep. As expected, I failed all of my classes and had to withdraw from MIT.
The worst part is, I did all of this to myself, and extended it unecessarily long. I lied to everyone - myself, my friends, even my parents. They had no idea I was struggling. They thought I was getting all A's, like I always did. I remember one time, my younger cousin came over and asked me how I dealt with not getting A's (she had just entered college), and I straight up lied. I told her I didn't know, because that had never happened to me. Why didn't I tell anyone? I don't know. I was ashamed. I didn't want my friends to think I was stupid. I didn't want to let my parents down, because I loved them. I also feared them. Hated them.
Sinced I was forced to withdraw, I had no choice but to tell my parents. Over winter break, I told them I didn't want to go back. My dad asked to see my grades, for the first time ever. I shakingly emailed him my transcript, then went to my room and hid behind my bed, prepared for the worst. Instead of yelling or hitting me, though, he just held me and cried. The next day, he took off from work and took me and my mom to a nearby, small liberal arts college (my older brother went there). We went to the admissions office and they literally *begged* them to help me. I felt completely numb.
Somehow, I was conditionally accepted, and I just had to do well my first semester. I took very basic classes on things I had mastered in high school. But I was burnt out, and I had lost all confidence in myself. Before my first biology test, I remember telling my mom I didn't think I could pass. I did pass, with flying colors. But I also fucked up. In my writing class, I could not complete a project on time, and I stopped showing up to class again. I finally talked to the professor, and he gave me an incomplete. The admissions office was not happy, and they told me this was my final chance. If I didn't shape up the next semester, they were kicking me out. They only let me take 5 credit hours.
I was angry at myself, and at them, but the low credit limit was actually a blessing in disguise. Since I had so much free time, I decided to join a biology lab with my professor from the first semester. And I LOVED it. I started doing research ~35 hours a week, and I realized - this is what I want to do! I want to be a scientist! I finally had a goal, and internal motivation, and I decided I would do my absolute best to make it come true. I kept working, day by day, on both school and research. It was hard, and it was humbling. My parents and I had a lot of emotions and anger to deal with. Through sheer determination, I made it. This past May, I graduated with highest honors, and now I am fortunate enough to have started my PhD in neurobiology.
Though it ended up taking me 5 years to graduate from college, I can say now that failing out of MIT was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I realized that a person is NOT their grades. I realized how much my parents love me (and I never could have recovered without their support), and I think we finally understand each other. I finally discovered my passion in life, and now I get to put together my intense curiosity for biology with my love for math!
If you read this far, thank you.I know I am incredibly fortunate, and that this story could have ended tragically. I never wrote my story out in this detail before, and it was surprisingly healing. I never kept in touch with any of my friends after I left MIT, but maybe they will see this and understand. I'm sorry.
*本文參考資料來自海外網/搜狐教育/careergpa/美國研究生留學快訊/看米國的。
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